I recently downloaded the Star Fox demo from the Nintendo Switch 2 eShop and thought it had the smoothest, most perfectly-framed camera in gaming history. And you’d write hyperbolic sentences like that, too, if you’d also spent the last week wrestling with the nightmare that is its predecessor.

The Wii U’s Star Fox Zero should have been brilliant. Itself a reimagining of the beloved Star Fox 64 (similar to the upcoming remake), it was developed by Platinum Games, hot off the one-two punch of Bayonetta 2 and The Wonderful 101 — both essential Wii U titles.

Miyamoto was personally involved, saying that Star Fox had skipped the Wii because they felt that it lacked a strong enough idea. Now, to its credit, Star Fox Zero has loads of ideas. Unfortunately, none of them are very good…

For fox sake

The brilliance of Star Fox 64 was its easy-to-learn, hard-to-master controls. It was simple and intuitive to fly your Arwing and blast enemies with lasers. Fun, too, which made the process of gradually getting good enough to avoid all incoming fire with somersaults and barrel rolls joyous.

The Wii U incarnation attempts to innovate by pretending that Star Fox was always missing a second screen. On your TV, you get a third-person view of the action while the Wii U gamepad screen shows the POV of the cockpit. In theory this is meant to simultaneously give you the advantages of a wider view and a more zoomed-in sharpshooting one.

But Star Fox isn’t exactly a game about sniping. It’s a big, loud star war where you’re painting the skies with laser fire. Mostly you’re charging up attacks and locking on to enemies anyway with a generously-sized targeting reticule, so the view on your TV is 99.99% more useful than the gamepad one.

The game’s horrible solution to that is to have the TV camera operated by a hyperactive five-year-old who’s just downed six barrels of Lucozade. Zero is in love with shots that would be described as ‘absolute cinema’ by young people, and ‘game-breakingly misguided’ by my ancient, bitter tongue.

Some enemy ships can’t just explode in peace. The camera has to zoom out and spin around to capture the most epic angle. You’re left lost and wondering where the hell you even are on-screen. Oh, it turns out you were well within the blast range of that explosion, based on how loudly Fox is screaming and how much fire is on the gamepad screen.

Camewahhhh

This particular torment kept happening in a mission where I had to destroy several massive missiles before they reached a teleport. I was about to down the missile with mere seconds left on the clock, only for the camera to go “whoa, what’s this hot new threat?” and immediately abandon the action to get a better look. I glanced down at the gamepad just in time to get a lovely zoomed-in view of me crashing into my target.

It even whiffs clear opportunities for the dual screens to be useful. At one point you have to lock onto a giant mechanical gorilla (the perfectly-named Gigarilla) to get it to follow you. Gigarilla will kindly crush any enemy you lead it to, you see. Well, you don’t see much, actually. Because when you’re locked on to Gigarilla, you’re stuck looking directly at it and have to reverse blindly.

Aha! But with the power of the Wii U, I can look down on the gamepad and see a reversed-view or a wing mirror, surely? Nope. You just see the exact same view as what’s on the TV. Or your disappointed face when the gamepad battery dies again (out of shame, I can only assume.)

Direct why

If you think a stealth level in a spaceship-flying game sounds stupid, then it’s a real pity you weren’t on the Star Fox Zero development team. Operating a slow hovercraft around security beams is boring, with the game barely even bothering to punish you for getting caught. But the real “fun” begins when you have to hack computers to proceed by lowering a little robot called Direct-I. Congratulations to Slippy Toad, who in this exact moment becomes only the second-most hated Star Fox character.

Direct-I is a helium-voiced horrorshow who you lower from a tether out of your ship’s belly. A tiny tether that’s just short enough to make anything as complex as ‘going around a corner’ too much for the poor little robot to comprehend. “Leave it to me!” it squeals merrily, before crashing into a wall and forcing me to try again.

At one point Fox has to save a woman who keeps constantly spouting the exact same request to be saved over and over and over. Imagine her constantly repeating quips, occasionally broken up with Direct-I’s requests to “leave it to me!” as it merrily botches another attempt, and you might be starting to realise why this game didn’t turn things around for the Wii U and drive Microsoft and Sony out of business.

Is Star Fox Zero an abomination then? Well, yes, for the most part. But it’s not quite a total disaster. Platinum may have made more missteps here than someone hosting a tap-dancing contest on a minefield, but the creators of Bayonetta didn’t suddenly lose their eye for over-the-top action. There are still plenty of good boss fights, and can you truly hate a game that features Gigarilla?

It can have so much more on-screen chaos than the Nintendo 64 game could ever dream of as well. When the screen is full of killer robots, colourful laser fire, and the right kind of escalating chaos — and actually letting you see what you’re doing — it occasionally becomes the great next step for Star Fox that Nintendo frustratingly no longer seems interested in taking.

Exciting as the prospect of Ocarina of Time being remade with megagraphics is, wouldn’t it be more satisfying if they’d taken another crack at Wind Waker? The one with all the cut corners and missing dungeons, finally added back in? Likewise, I don’t want to serve in the Lylat Wars yet again, when another go at Zero has so much more potential.

Give it a coherent camera and a snip of the tether that sends Direct-I squealing into a black hole, and I’d be there day one. Let’s hope Star Fox’s Phantom Menace moment hasn’t put Nintendo off ever taking a risk with this series again.

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