A foodborne illness that stems from fecal matter on produce is adding a new, gross layer to an already rough season in Trump's America

It’s hotter than a two-dollar pistol outside, the air is smokier than a cigar lounge, and you can’t take a bite of a raw vegetable without running the risk of shitting yourself uncontrollably.

Since May, at least 34 states have reported cases of cyclosporiasis, an infection that causes severe diarrhea, cramps, and flu-like symptoms. The outbreak, which began in Michigan, has been most severe in the midwest, within southeast Michigan, Ohio, Kentucky, and West Virginia. Concentrations of cases have also been reported in New York and Texas.

The illness is transmitted primarily through a microscopic parasite called cyclospora, which is is spread via fecal waste on food — often the result of contaminated water being used in crop irrigation — and grows quickly during hot summer months. Its incubation period can last up to six weeks, meaning it could take a good month and a half to even find out you have it. Amid a struggling economy, foreign wars, back-to-back heat waves, ticks that make you allergic to meat, livestock that is full of worms, and AI data centers raising your power bill, the last thing Americans needed was a contagious parasite that gives you explosive diarrhea. 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)’s latest bulletin, on July 14, more than 1,600 cases have been confirmed, and more than 5,000 additional ones are under investigation. (These numbers are almost certainly outdated, as Michigan is reporting more than 4,000 in that state alone.) While health officials have not issued specific guidance regarding the consumption of certain foods, the CDC recommends that “the best way to prevent cyclosporiasis is to avoid food or water that may be contaminated with feces.”

No shit. 

Experts recommend thoroughly washing produce before consumption, and storing sliced or cooked produce in appropriate refrigerated temperatures as soon as possible. Some nervous observers are going so far as to swear off salads and other raw fruits and vegetables until the outbreak has run its course. Others are choosing to laugh it off and hope that the proverbial bell does not, eventually, toll for them. 

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“Lowkey would not know if I had the Diarrhea parasite or not,” one user wrote in a tweet with almost 3 million impressions, echoing the common struggle of those whose digestive systems exist in perpetual war with their diets. 

Plenty of others bragged about how their normally less-than-healthy eating habits would protect them from the diarrheal scourge. Bags on nerds Gummy Clusters, croutons and cheese (hold the lettuce), gas station food, ice cream for breakfast, and an Arby’s angus cheesesteak stuffed with macaroni and cheese could all serve as protective fare against the parasite. 

“My doctor confirmed that I consume enough Miller High Life and hint of lime tortilla chips to create a digestive environment untenable for the explosive diarrhea parasite,” joked another user. 

My doctor confirmed that I consume enough Miller High Life and hint of lime tortilla chips to create a digestive environment untenable for the explosive diarrhea parasite

— Ron Iver (@ronnui_) July 16, 2026

In a way, it makes sense for the nation. We keep cutting prevention programs that stop the potentially bad things from happening, and Americans are left with no choice but to keep on moving when the bad things do, indeed, happen. The bills need to be paid and the car needs gas. A girl has got to eat. 

Last July, the Trump administration made significant cuts to the Foodborne Diseases Active Surveillance Network (FoodNet), a government monitoring program that tracks outbreaks like cyclospora. Reporting of the illness — which first caused outbreaks in the 1990s — was downgraded to “optional” along with all other pathogens, other than Salmonella and STEC, which produces E. Coli. (On Thursday, the White House rejected suggestions that the cuts to the CDC and Food and Drug Administration had slowed the federal response to the outbreak.)

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It is a pattern that has been repeated time and time again by the Trump administration. The current rash of flesh eating New World screwworm (NWS) cases currently spreading through parts of Texas came after Elon Musk’s DOGE made major cuts to the Department of Agriculture, including eliminating prevention programs that had kept the dangerous pest out of American ranches since the sixties. 

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The president was warned that starting a war with Iran would skyrocket gas prices, and here we are almost six months into a stretch of $3 to $5 per-gallon gas throughout the country. Health experts warned that the embrace of vaccine skepticism by the political right would lead to a resurgence of preventable diseases, and it has. Actions have consequences, and these consequences stink. 

It seems only fitting that the latest randomized horror befouling the nation is literally shit. Stinky, excessive, uncontrollable shit. These plagues are starting to look pretty Biblical, but hey, at least it doesn’t make you poop and puke, right?