Newswire

• Ortolan Tastes Cheap

• Cyanide Capsule Includes 5 Milligrams Of CBD

• Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off

• Government Watchdog Rolls Over

• Car Windows Rolled Down To Let Out Shitty Music

• Drywall Worker Plastered

• Kraft Unveils High Fructose Corn Syrup Snack Cup

• Buddy Vouched For

• Weather Not Deemed Too Shitty For Delivery Guy

• Climbing Inside Of Air Conditioner Briefly Contemplated

• Child Gains Upper Hand After Discovering Highlighted Parenting Guide

• Anger-Bottling Factory Explodes

• Babysitter Hoping Family Not Keeping Track Of Fudgesicles

• Role Model Slept With

• Upper Hand Gained, Lost During Course Of Sentence

• Man’s Mouth All Dry From Complaining

• Nicest Iron Maiden Poster Saved For Dining Room

• Herstory Not Going To Repeat Itself Again