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The Onion

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All The Features Of Meta’s AI Glasses
The Onion Staff · 2026-07-10 · via The Onion

Tech giant Meta continues to push its AI smart glasses, including with a new ad campaign featuring Kylie Jenner. Here are all the features of the wearable device:

Hands-free doxxing

70+ styles to suit everyone from laid-back perverts to active predators

Auto-Stare mode to stare at things for you

AI therapy chat for parsing what drove you to buy this

Certain beating every time wearer says “Hey, Meta” in public

Hourly giraffe facts

Identifies ugliest friend and replaces face with today’s DraftKings betting picks  

More than enough battery life to last until you’re thrown out of Lululemon women’s section

Administers small shock every time user looks away from targeted advertisements

Easily fits in any garbage can