We characterize the permutations of $\mathbb{F}_q$ whose graph minimizes the number of collinear triples and describe the lexicographically-least one, affirming a conjecture of Cooper-Solymosi. This question is closely connected to Dudeney's No-3-in-a-Line problem, the Heilbronn triangle problem, and the structure of finite plane Kakeya sets. We discuss a connection with complete sets of mutually orthogonal latin squares and state a few open problems primarily about general finite affine planes.