Benchmarking; by which I mean any computer system that is driven by a controlled workload, is the ultimate in performance testing and simulation. Aside from being a form of institutionalized cheating, it also offer countless opportunities for systematic mistakes in the way the workloads are applied and the resulting measurements interpreted. Right test, wrong conclusion is a ubiquitous mistake that happens because test engineers tend to treat data as divine. Such reverence is not only misplaced, it's also a sure ticket to production hell when the application finally goes live. I demonstrate how such mistakes can be avoided by means of two war stories that are real WOPRs. (a) How to resolve benchmark flaws over the psychic hotline and (b) How benchmarks can go flat with too much Java juice. In each case I present simple performance models and show how they can be applied to correctly assess benchmark data.