They’re dead set on the past

I am not one to complain. I read letters addressed to me as “Dear Stupid.” But comes now CBS-TV’s successful TV series “Elsbeth.” Central in it is a snotty smarmy gossip columnist — admittedly based on me.

Listen, I was good to my mother, good to my grandmother, good to my husband, good to my dog — even good to my colorist (like very good). Please inform your writers of my undeserved kindnesses.

People magazine’s current issue goes heavy on bye-bye. It’s Windsors and Kennedys. Full color pages. Photos of Princess Diana. All in white. Blond hair flowing. Wearing her crown. She’s gone. Then, matching page, full color photo of Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. All in white. Blond hair flowing. Also gone. To make it neat they throw in pictures of Queen Elizabeth II — also no longer around.

Also something somewhere someplace somehow on Willem de Kooning whom — if I’m correct, and perish the evil thought that maybe I’m not — only a few mentioned over their cream-cheesed breakfast bagels.

The Times goes big on David Hockney in his suspenders. Their book section does Mike Nichols, who’s also gone. Also a nice section on Vincent van Gogh, who left us in the 1890s. Need something more? Its Page 2 does a whole megillah on Hieronymus Bosch who lived, give or take a week, around 1450.

So if itchy to pair a Rembrandt with a Banksy, forget it. Meanwhile, before I get my delayed but required adoration — and before empty newspapers do workouts on Gauguin, Cézanne and Matisse, this week they did full whole complete pages on Martha Graham. OK by me but she’s also extremely gone. They immortalized her in several pages in two issues.

Can it be that editors do not like anyone still alive?

Graham had an intensely devoted assistant. For years after she left us, he sent me things she’d touched or used: a powder puff, handkerchief, hairclip, junk jewelry. Something, anything. I finally asked him to stop because I was losing space for my own things. And now her dance group’s 100, so NYC’s big large broadsheet did several days of full pages on her.

Mwah than meets the eye

BUT talking about love: Winona Ryder, disappointed with her Jennifer Aniston lesbian kiss in “Friends”: “I got bummed out because we had chances for some pretty nice kisses.” . . . Christina Aguilera on locking lips with Madonna at the MTV awards: “She’s got very soft lips. She’s a very lovely kiss.” Sarah Michelle Gellar on her smooch with Selma Blair in “Cruel Intentions”: “Great kiss. It even had a saliva trail.” . . . Charlize Theron kissing Christina Ricci in “Monster”: “The film’s false teeth kept falling out. Was difficult with those fakes.” . . . Kyra Sedgwick and Julianna Margulies in “What’s Cooking?” hit lesbian bars to do research.

Points for our city

Mazel tov to our Knicks. Even the Statue of Liberty applauded.

Phyllis McGinley wrote this poem:

“Let others, finding flaw or fault

Accept you with their grains of salt.

Egregious city facing toward the sea,

Always always you for me.”

SIGN on a church in Portland, Ore.: “Come this Sunday. Avoid the Fourth of July rush.”

Only in America, kids, only in America.