Richard Gadd did not intend to star in his new HBO limited series Half Man. Instead, the actor – who also wrote and executive produced the six-episode drama – was convinced after Jamie Bell agreed to star as Niall Kennedy on the condition that Gadd take on the opposite role as Ruben, his foil in the series.

“Initially I didn’t want to do it because I had just done Donny Dunn and I was in every scene of Baby Reindeer,” Gadd told DECIDER during a recent chat, adding that it can be a “phenomenal pressure” to be engaged both in front of, and behind, the camera.

While the notion of playing Ruben “terrified me initially,” Gadd confessed, “Above all that, I should say, was just a real desire and passion to take on a role that a lot of people would kill for.”

Suffice to say Gadd absolutely disappears into the role of Ruben Pallister in his latest original series, which premieres Thursday, April 23, 9 p.m. on HBO and HBO Max. Ruben is a fiercely loyal and violent man who enters Niall’s life as a teen fresh out of the Young Offenders Institute. Over the course of 30 years, the young men grow up together in Scotland and become fiercely loyal to each other despite their differences, but they set down starkly different paths that ultimately leave them both broken, which Gadd said is “the great tragedy” of the series.

“Fundamentally, for all of what they go through and for all the damage they exhibit on each other and themselves, they do love each other,” he said of Ruben and Niall. “And I think their love for each other is transcendental and extremely powerful, and they just don’t know how to express it. And that, to me, is the great tragedy of the piece.”

The series tackles brotherhood, violence and male rage, highlighting the collateral damage of toxic masculinity. Gadd opened up to DECIDER about tackling this “knotty subject” of masculinity and how it felt to take on a new project after Baby Reindeer‘s success.

DECIDER: Can you tell me a little bit about how it felt to take on a new project after Baby Reindeer? Was there any pressure at all for you?

RICHARD GADD: I guess I didn’t think about the pressure if it was there. I mean, I know that the expectation and pressure is great, but my fundamental priorities are just trying to make a piece of work as good as possible. I knew I wanted this to be my next project after Baby Reindeer. It was still burning in me as a desire. I wrote the script in 2019 and then Baby Reindeer was commissioned and I shelved it. And all the way through Baby Reindeer, I’d think about it a lot. And when I was coming out the back of the Baby Reindeer process, I just was like, ‘I need to get back to that project.’ By the time Baby Reindeer was out, I was still kind of full steam ahead Half Man. So I almost didn’t have time to take in the pressure of the expectation. And even if I did, I would say the pressure I put on myself every day to try and make it as good as possible would out-weigh that, anyway. But I know it’s there, and it’s part of the process, isn’t it? But I didn’t let it in. I didn’t prioritize that pressure over other pressures that I felt within the process.

I also saw that you mentioned that you weren’t exactly expecting to play Ruben until Jamie mentioned it. Yeah. What made you change your mind, and did you have any hesitations approaching the role?

Well, initially I didn’t want to do it because I had just done Donny Dunn and I was in every scene of Baby Reindeer and to sort of be in front of the camera and both behind the camera at the same time, it’s a phenomenal pressure. […] And I remember after Baby Reindeer just sort of thinking, ‘Lesson learned. I’ll take one of the jobs off my plate.’ But I think that was a desire for me to be in it from the channels. Initially, I wanted to be like a policeman or something, make a little cameo appearance, or a waiter, or a receptionist or something. And there was desire from the channels. And then Jamie mentioned it. The only other meaningful role outside of Niall that would have given a lift to the show from a marketing sense was Ruben. And I think it terrified me initially. I was like, ‘Oh, that’s so far away from what I’ve done before. Like, are people going to buy the guy in the comedy suit as the malevolent presence in the biker jacket?’ And it was a great challenge. Underlying all of my fear was, what will people think? Or what if it doesn’t go well? What if I make a fool of myself and all those kinds of things. All of it was this kind of projected fear underneath all that, or above all that, I should say, was just a real desire and passion to take on a role that a lot of people, I think, would kill for. And so I ultimately asked myself, do I want to do it? Yes. And, therefore, that is more important than any projected sense of fear. But yeah, it was a real journey of a decision. I’ll put it that way.

Can you talk about how it felt to explore masculinity in the series? Was any part of it cathartic at all, or was there anything you were surprised by?

I think what I was surprised by was the fact that, like, I never really set out with a goal to kind of reach a catharsis within myself or to answer any sort of broader questions about the politics around masculinity or anything like that. I just felt an impulse to dig deep inside the whole knotty subject. I never really set out to answer questions about my own masculinity. I think all I really landed on was that there’s more questions than answers, really. I never landed on any conclusions other than that the whole experience around masculinity is very complicated. And I almost landed in a good way, finding that it’s even more knotty and confusing than when I started. But I think that was like a positive development, in a way.

Yeah, I think the show might not come to any answers or offer any solutions, but it exposes a lot which I think is really interesting.

Thank you very much. Yeah. And I think that was my sort of artistic journey as well, within it as a writer.

Was there any part or moment from the show that you felt was particularly heartbreaking or moving?

It’s interesting because you get so close to a show you almost like… It’s hard to kind of like, you get so used to it. I bet you, if you ask me now, I could do episode one through six, every little bit of dialogue and I could quote you the show back, like word for word. And as a result, you kind of go through the emotions and it becomes like this labor of love, this sort of old sculpture you’re crafting. And it’s always funny because along the way, people see it, people pop in and they’re kind of moved by it when I’ve achieved a certain degree of artistic removedness or emotional removedness from it. But I think I find the whole thing kind of tragic. I think sometimes when you see where they landed up as adults and you think back to how they were as kids, […] I think I get emotional thinking about it. I think I get emotional thinking about what could have been with the two of them. Fundamentally, for all of what they go through and for all the damage they exhibit on each other and themselves, they do love each other. And I think their love for each other is transcendental and extremely powerful, and they just don’t know how to express it. And that, to me, is the great tragedy of the piece.

This conversation was edited for brevity and clarity.