Time to buy doodads for dads

Father’s Day approaches. What to buy the man? The today father is into T-shirts, so forget buying a tie. He’s a schloomp.

He schleps in sneakers so shove springing for loafers.

Pedicure? For what reason.

A hat? He wears crappy caps that advertise basketball games.

Cigarette case? Please.

Briefcase? The guy schleps Gristedes shopping bags.

Fragrance? Not those I’m around.

Socks? No, back to those crappy sneakers.

Suspenders? Only in rest homes.

White shirt? Like when you saw one recently?

Undershirt? Calvin Klein isn’t even selling one.

Manicure? When was the last one.

Rolex? Street guys are hustling copies.

Skis? In the city?!

B’way tickets? To again see “Oklahoma!”?

Personalized stationery? He’s got his phone.

A pet? Please, if my Yorkie pees again in the kitchen you can have mine.

Dinner? Outside? Alongside a smelly bus?

Museum visit? Oh, wow, let’s go together to see an ancient Grecian head.

Flowers? That’s for moms.

Balloons? That’s for kids.

Bracelet? That’s for the wife’s charge account.

Belt? He’s got hooks.

Necklace? Also for the wife’s charge account.

BVDs? Better he should go for a fitting.

Trip abroad? Better you should bring a duvet.

Maybe a deep longtime chat with Joe Biden about problems in Yugoslavia.

A 9-by-12 enlargement of Jill Biden in tights — in color.

Forget a happy Father’s Day card for the Menendez brothers.

Or maybe it’s a key to piggy Biden’s piggy brother’s piggy bank.

An out-to-lunch sign for the LIE hard hats.

Recording of Bill Clinton singing “There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight.”

Old photo of Obama hugging his wife.

New photo of Mrs. Obama walking away.

Maybe an agent for Jimmy Kimmel.

A job for Prince Andrew.

An alibi for Kanye West.

Visa so de Blasio can go somewhere — anywhere.

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Papa preaches

Last Father’s Day my friend called her dad long distance. They talked 10 minutes. Reminisced about her childhood and the great times they had together. When she was ready to hang up, he said six words she’ll never forget. They were: “By the way who is this?”