1. First Partner in Crime

by Riley Nork

Federal investigators are apparently questioning Gavin Newsom’s friends and associates, part of an ongoing inquiry that reportedly relates to First Lady Partner Jennifer and her various feminist nonprofits.

This, Gavin explains, is a political witch hunt from Trump: “He’s coming after me because I am considering running for president,” Newsom told supporters.

Sure, a person familiar with the investigation disputed that assertion, telling the NYT that the inquiry was launched IN CALIFORNIA, not Washington, but ignore that; here’s what’s even more troubling: The French Laundry, Newsom’s favorite watering hole for pandemic pinot, is ALSO in hot water, facing three labor lawsuits from employees who claim they were skimped on wages.

Here, a totally relatable scandal for Newsom as he prepares to pitch voters in 2028 … don’t you hate it when your wife’s “girlboss” charities get investigated for fraud, and you can’t even commiserate about it at your favorite five-star restaurant because the help went on strike?

2. Breaking: Your phone is still horrible for you

by Blake Dodge

According to a new study in the National Bureau of Economic Research, iPhones are at least partially responsible for 33-52% of the decline in fertility among women ages 15-44.

The observational study compared birth rates in places where people got iPhones earlier versus later, finding the largest declines among younger women. Which makes sense.

We already know, as the authors noted, that smartphones reduce in-person interactions and sexual frequency while increasing pornography use … and I’m nearly looking at the whole thing as good news, actually.

Finally, we’re having a national conversation about the birth rate that doesn’t blame the whole thing on the cost of living (as though our parents had two dimes to rub together before having us in their 20s).

I mean sure, we’re still blaming capitalism, but at least looking at the consequences of Instagram and whorebots is a bit more… specific?

3. Land of plenty

by Max Weiner

World Cup visitors have arrived in America, and roving gangs of Proud Boys are terrorizing — wait, I’m sorry, what’s that? Everyone is having the time of their lives?

Posting through the bliss is a German, Freddy, whose American Boy Summer has taken him to Buc-ee’s, Walmart, Auburn, an alpine rollercoaster, Houston and a shooting range inside Bass Pro Shops.

From Auburn’s football stadium (only America’s 13th largest college stadium), Freddy quoted his mate: “Punch me five times tomorrow and I’ll still think this isn’t real.”

Wait till you see the Big House, Freddy. On one hand, I marvel at the global propaganda machine that makes America out to be literal hell on Earth when Democrats lose power, and I’m grateful the world now sees how awesome we are while enjoying our hospitality and air conditioning.

On the other, I don’t want infinity migrants dreaming about the paradise that is the American heartland, so maybe we never do this again …