Name: Vape sommelier.

Age: Emerging.

Appearance: Obscured by clouds.

Sorry, I don’t speak French. The word “sommelier” refers to a wine expert employed by a restaurant to make you feel stupid.

So this is that, but for vapes? More or less – a vape sommelier is someone who tells you which vape flavours pair well with different foods and beverages.

Is this really a thing? While you can’t yet train to become a vape sommelier, there are certainly plenty of blogs, social media accounts and online retailers recommending which vape goes best with what.

Give me an example. The website Vapeology says that “a caramel or vanilla vape can complement a latte or cappuccino, adding sweetness and depth”.

Disgusting. Anyway, I only drink espresso. “For black coffee drinkers,” says Vapeology, “a tobacco-flavoured vape can enhance the coffee’s natural bitterness and richness.”

And they do this with food as well? They do. The online vape company Freesmo recommends a strawberry-raspberry blend to pair with lemon sorbet and mixed green salads.

Are they just making it up, or are there rules? There are principles, certainly. “Too much sweetness can overwhelm,” according to Freesmo. “Too much spice can clash. The goal is to create harmony between what you taste from the vape and what you’re enjoying on your plate or in your glass.”

I can’t tell you how unpleasant that sounds. “Just like fine dining, it’s about balance,” they say.

It’s nothing like fine dining. Isn’t it? What’s the difference between this and a restaurant sommelier recommending a particular bordeaux to pair with red meat?

For a start, flavoured vapes are for kids. Not technically – you have to be over 18 to buy them. Besides, the Tobacco and Vapes Act 2026 gives the government powers to restrict any vape flavours that might disproportionately attract children.

Also, you can’t vape in restaurants. No, but you can vape at home.

While you’re eating? Don’t judge – it wasn’t so long ago that people smoked in restaurants.

Even then no one came out to tell you which brand of cigarettes went with the chicken. It’s not the same. Why shouldn’t a cereal-and-milk vape be perfect for breakfast?

A cereal-and-milk vape? “Pair it with French toast drizzled with maple syrup, a stack of pancakes topped with berries, or even a slice of banana bread,” says Freesmo.

Are you serious? At least vapes can help people quit smoking.

And then you’re supposed to quit vapes, not find ones that go well with banoffee pie or a vindaloo. Try “banana ice” flavour – works for both, apparently.

Do say: “While vapes are undoubtedly less harmful than cigarettes, the long-term health effects are not known.”

Don’t say: “Meanwhile, this chalk-flavoured vape pairs well with cheese.”