In January, Gabriela Soto’s husband was detained in Delaney Hall, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) detention center in Newark, New Jersey. She has been “very stressed” in the months since, comforting her heartbroken children and spending thousands of dollars on asylum-related legal cases. She has regularly visited her husband on weekends at the facility. She is one of hundreds of visitors lining up every week to see loved ones.

But Delaney Hall has rejected her visits time and time again over supposed dress code violations. More than 10 times, Soto said, she has been told that either she or her children could not visit because of what they were wearing.

In one such visit, a guard nearly rejected them because of Soto’s 11-month-old’s onesie, she said. On another occasion, she told the Guardian, Delaney Hall rejected them because Gabriela’s four-year-old daughter was in leggings. When Gabriela would ask why their clothes weren’t allowed, guards said they were too “provocative”, she said.

“How is that provocative if she’s only four years old?” said Gabriela, referring to her daughter.

In recent weeks, Delaney Hall has gained national attention after mass protests erupted outside the facility, alongside reports of a detainee hunger strike inside. As clashes between demonstrators and police continued for days, dozens of protesters were reportedly arrested. The state of New Jersey has sued the facility’s private owner, Geo Group, to allow state health inspectors greater access, alleging “unsanitary food and drink preparation and storage”.

The health department of New Jersey has also received a report of “potentially inadequate tuberculosis infection control practices”, according to the legal filing.

In a statement, the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) said health inspectors had already been granted access to the facility and that there was no hunger strike. But demonstrators continue to demand an end to alleged inhumane conditions, with some advocates calling the facility a concentration camp. Soto was among them, leading protests outside the facility and demanding that her husband be freed.

But as well as inhumane treatment of detainees, family members like Soto say the institution has found more arbitrary ways to create distress.

Since the facility opened last May, guards have rejected families, some traveling from faraway states like Texas, over leggings, Crocs, heels, dresses, shorts and more. Closely resembling prison dress codes, the regulations for visitors ban any form-fitting, revealing clothing, from open-toed shoes and leggings to pants with holes – and even wearing a T-shirt without a bra. “Gang colors”, which are not defined, are also prohibited.

The dress code states that it applies only to visitors aged 12 and older. However, in the past year, Delaney Hall has often rejected much younger kids, such as Gabriela’s toddler. According to testimony from visitors and activists, the facility has rejected preschool or elementary-aged girls over frocks and leggings.

Since March, I’ve been interviewing visiting families and advocates outside the facility.

Delaney Hall is not the only ICE detention center with harsh dress code policies. However, activists say that Delaney Hall’s dress code is unusually cruel and invasive. As longtime Pax Christi USA activist Kathy O’Leary put it: “Delaney Hall is weird.”

She compared it to the nearby Elizabeth detention center, which she said “has Catholic school uniform rules. If your skirt doesn’t go below the tips of your fingers … then your skirt is too short.” But in Delaney Hall, she said, “your skirt has to be below your knees”.

In particular, O’Leary highlighted that she had never seen another ICE detention center reject kids because of their clothing.

Other activists, including from #EyesonIce, said that the dress code is being wielded to separate families, pushing detainees to accept voluntary departure.

Neither the DHS nor ICE’s regional office in Newark responded to multiple requests for comment. Geo Group, which runs the facility, directed all inquiries to ICE.

But activists have come up with a response to dress code enforcement. Outside Delaney Hall, on every visitation day, a group of volunteers, including O’Leary, hand out free clothes to rejected visitors. The efforts of these volunteers, who are part of the #EyesOnIce protest group, have allowed scores of visitors to see their loved ones since the facility opened.

A growing pile of Crocs

On 28 April, warm gusts of wind swept a foul stench outside Delaney Hall, a side-effect of the facility’s proximity to a sewage treatment facility. At the front gate, activists in face masks waited with plastic bins, each packed to the brim with clothes for visitors to borrow: shirts, pants and shoes in a spectrum of sizes, from baby-sized onesies to plus-sized sweatpants.

Guards rejected more than a dozen visitors for alleged dress code violations on that Tuesday, according to activist records.

A 16-year-old girl was rejected for a knee-length black smock dress that, she said, was permitted under her school’s uniform policy. Delaney Hall’s dress code also expressly allows “skirts and dresses … [which] extend to knee, seated”.

Since last year, she has been visiting Delaney Hall with her family to see her detained older brother. Last summer, a guard rejected her mother over her postpartum belly wrap, which she was wearing after a miscarriage, said her daughter. In the end, she took the belly wrap off.

Twenty-four-year-old Daphinne Bazzoni and her friends came to Delaney Hall to visit a detained friend. A guard rejected her over her off-white crocs.

On another visit, Bazzoni’s friend was rejected over a tank top and shorts. In their four visits to the facility, they’ve been rejected twice already, Bazzoni said.

Crocs are some of the most commonly rejected clothing items in Delaney Hall, especially in the summer, because of the facility’s policy against open-toed shoes. A pile of leftover crocs often sit by the clothing bins until visitors come back to retrieve them.

On that Tuesday alone, five documented rejections were over visitors’ shoes. Besides Crocs, heels and sandals are also often rejected, including closed-toe models. Delaney Hall’s public dress code guidelines on footwear only state that shoes must be “worn at all times” and “open-toed shoes are prohibited”.

For instance, guards rejected a 37-year-old visitor over her ginger heel booties and shirt. An elderly woman was rejected over closed-toe reddish sandals.

One Saturday, it was pouring outside the facility. A middle-aged woman, who requested anonymity to speak freely, ran to the clothing bins in the rain to borrow shoes. She arrived drenched and shivering from the cold. During her first visit to her detained nephew, a guard rejected her for her ankle-strap heels.

But after one guard said heels were against guidelines, she said another guard spoke up and said that her heels were allowed.

“The other security, he [said]: ‘There’s no dress code [violation],’” she said. “They started arguing with each other.”

Delaney Hall rejected 35-year-old Isaias Felix for wearing knee-length white shorts.

A guard also rejected his wife for her bodysuit, saying she had to wear something “more decent”, said Felix. “I feel a little offended. We’re already going through a hard time,” he said.

The rules are always changing

Many visitors say the dress code worsens the anxiety they feel when visiting the facility, with some saying they want to comply with the dress code but can’t understand how it’s enforced.

Valeria, a young mother raising an infant, said she had been visiting her baby’s father in Delaney Hall for months. In this period, she said she was rejected approximately 10 times for dress code infractions. She said the rules are always changing.

“I could wear these pants for a week, and out of nowhere, they’re like, ‘You cannot come in this,’” said Valeria, her baby fidgeting in her arms. “It depends on the officer [on duty].”

Valeria felt most regretful over the loss of visitation time with her loved ones. “You gotta run [to borrow clothes from the activists outside] and it takes four minutes of your visit.” She stressed that every minute of each visit mattered a lot to loved ones in detention, who are “so tense”.

To ensure no loss of visitation time, Valeria comes an hour early on a typical visitation day. But her visits were frequently delayed by two to three hours, she said. Occasionally, guards interrupted her visits, cutting them short. One day, Valeria’s one-hour visit ended 20 minutes early.

On one occasion when she came 10 minutes late, she said, the guard threatened to cancel her visit.

This is part of a broader pattern of visitors practicing extreme caution around guards, fearing reprisal or a visit cancellation. For instance, on Gabriela’s daughter’s fourth birthday, Gabriela took her to Delaney Hall to celebrate with her father. Her daughter made a drawing to show to her dad, but the guards refused to let it in, she said. Trying to convince them, Gabriela gave them the paper so they could check themselves.

Instead of handing it back, Gabriela said the guards ripped the drawing instead, in front of her daughter, who burst into tears. “She was destroyed,” said Gabriela.

Ever since the incident, Gabriela keeps to herself in Delaney and hopes to avoid further violations. To avoid trouble when she’s there, she says, “I don’t even look at anybody.”