Well, this is awkward. The UK continued its run of disastrous results in the Eurovision song contest on Saturday night, when Look Mum No Computer finished rock bottom of the scoreboard. Cue the usual geopolitical conspiracy theorising and head-scratching about how to remedy matters next year. Paging Cliff Richard and faxing Bucks Fizz …

It put the cherry on top of a chastening week for Britons in Vienna. No less than Boy George had been roped in to add star power to San Marino’s entry, but it failed to even qualify for the final. The UK now hasn’t won the annual pop party for almost three decades. But where does this latest fiasco figure in the all-time hall of shame? We count down the UK’s 10 biggest Eurovision flops, from least bad to absolute worst. Hello Europe, this is humiliation calling.

10. Andy Abraham (2008)

“Andy the Binman”, to give him his full name, was an X Factor runner-up who had previously worked as a refuse collector. He won the selection contest, Eurovision: Your Decision, with soul banger Even If – edging out a visibly furious Michelle Gayle, who had been the bookies’ favourite. Come the big night in Belgrade, Abraham performed second on the bill, the dreaded slot of death, and duly came last with only 14 points. He took some solace from the fact that he wasn’t beaten by Irish entry Dustin the Turkey, who was knocked out in the semi-final. We suspect fowl play.

9. James Newman (2021)

Poor James Newman suffered the ignominy of being the UK entry not once, but twice. Having written hits for the likes of Rudimental, Calvin Harris and Kesha, the leather car-coated Yorkshireman was chosen to represent the UK in 2020 with unfortunately titled ballad My Last Breath – the contest was cancelled due to the Covid pandemic. After a 12-month wait, he entered again with a new song, dubbed Embers, becoming the second British act in history to receive nul points, and finished last.

8. Scooch (2007)

Imagine the pitch for this bubblegum pop four-piece as “like Steps, but worse” and you’ll get the idea. They donned cabin crew uniforms for a camp performance of Flying the Flag (For You), complete with “This is your captain speaking” announcements. Innuendo-laden lyrics included “Salted nuts, sir?” and “Would you like something to suck on for landing?” They scored 12 points from Malta, seven from Ireland and, er, nothing else, leaving Scooch second from last. The press described it as “a crash landing”.

7. Electro Velvet (2015)

The UK went “electro swing” a decade ago and paid the price. The duo’s faux-vintage song, Still in Love With You, included a scat interlude and was unflatteringly compared to the jingle from the Birds Eye potato waffles advert (“waffly versatile”). Diane Abbott MP put down her tinned M&S mojito long enough to tweet: “Is it me? Or was Electro Velvet truly awful?!” It scored a measly five points. One half of the duo, Alex “Larkey” Larke, now sings in a tribute band called The Rollin’ Clones.

6. Mae Muller (2023)

After human labrador Sam Ryder restored some national pride by placing second in 2022, Liverpool staged the next contest on behalf of war-torn Ukraine. Camden-born Muller – the granddaughter of actor Billie Whitelaw, fact fans – was picked to represent the UK on home soil. Her Dua Lipa-esque tune I Wrote a Song finished second from bottom, beating only German metallers Lord of the Lost. We suppose that’s … something?

5. Engelbert Humperdinck (2012)

It sounded like a joke. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Inspired by those Mediterranean nations who send along cheesy crooners for kitsch value, the UK entered the 1960s balladeer formerly known as Gerry Dorsey. It smacked of not taking the competition seriously and the 76-year-old got short shrift from voters. Not even a lucky necklace allegedly given to him by Elvis could help the Hump. His treacly tune, Love Will Set You Free, scored just 12 points and finished 25th out of 26. The great British public took it with characteristic good grace, with calls to quit the contest in protest.

4. Michael Rice (2019)

The former busker from Hartlepool had won forgettable BBC singing show All Together Now the previous year. Packed off to Tel Aviv to perform power ballad Bigger Than Us, he came last after scoring just 16 points. Further embarrassment followed when he was deducted five of those points due to a mix-up with the Belarusian jury. Talk about kicking a man when he’s down.

3. Look Mum No Computer (2026)

Look Mum No Points, more like. The UK went for novelty value this year, dispatching synth-popper Sam Battle to Austria armed with shouty song Eins, Zwei, Drei. He received a solitary point from the juries, zero from the viewer vote and finished at the foot of the scoreboard – the third time since 2020 that the UK has come last. Battle conceded the song was “Marmite – you either love it or hate it”. Voters went for the second option and had him on toast.

2. Josh Dubovie (2010)

Seasoned hit-maker Pete Waterman co-wrote Josh Dubovie’s song, the optimistically titled That Sounds Good to Me. Sadly, the naff Europop confection didn’t sound good to anyone else. Despite a Facebook campaign to get it to No 1 in Eurovision week, it charted at 179. Oops. On the night in Oslo, it scored a mere 10 points. Dubovie later changed his stage name to Josh James to help him “move on”.

1. Jemini (2003)

Liverpudlian stage school alumni Chris Cromby and Gemma Abbey named themselves Jemini because it sounded like “Gem and I”. Their live rendition of Cry Baby at the finals in Latvia was painfully off-key, with the duo insisting that a technical fault meant they couldn’t hear the backing track. They registered the UK’s first ever last place finish, receiving the dreaded nul points. BBC commentator Terry Wogan said the UK was suffering from a “post-Iraq war backlash”. Talent show judge Louis Walsh was less forgiving: “It’s like somebody went into Boots, walked up to the first person they saw behind the counter, asked if they could sing and they said ‘no’ – but got picked anyway.”