Why does silence feel so horribly awkward? Ruth Thompson, by email
Send new questions to nq@theguardian.com.
Readers reply
It’s funny, people seem to have different levels of tolerance to it. My mum, who the whole family agrees “never stops yakking”, openly admits it’s because she hates when people aren’t talking to each other; she says she thinks it means people are annoyed with each other (and eating a meal doesn’t get a pass). I, on the other hand, as quite a quiet person, couldn’t give a monkey’s! MGMGMMMMGGGG
People who can’t bear silence have to fill it – and they usually do so with inane chit-chat. They are not remotely interested in you and often barely listen to any reply you may give. The only thing that matters to them is their own sense of comfort, filling what they see as an existential void. I, on the other hand, love the luxury of silence, the time and space to explore my own thoughts. The chit-chatterer is deliberately destroying my own comfort in order to protect their own, whereas I’m trying not to engage with the chit-chatterer, to leave them in their own world so that I may live peacefully in mine. ApartmentZero
It all depends on what you’re used to. Absolute silence is pretty rare, though: an empty church perhaps, or a windless night in a desert. Otherwise there’s always something, if only the rustling of leaves.
If you’ve grown up with constant racket and are the sort of person who leaps out of bed and immediately turns on the inane babbling of the Breakfast Show, then stamps around in the kitchen and can’t spend the rest of the day without something in the headphones, then I’m sure silence can be unnerving. Fortunately, there are others who find silence to be most comforting, a chance to gather thoughts or even not to think at all.
I can understand silence being a place where one is confronted with one’s character. For some, it would be most awkward; uncomfortable, even. Better to exist with constant sound and not dig too deep. After all, you never run across a silent swindler, do you? bricklayersoption
Ah, your friendly autistic guide to social stuff here. I love silence and hate stupid pointless chat. The rules are:
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Someone you know well: silence is fine. Not listening to them is fine, too, but you might wish to tell them that you are switching off, just in case they have something of import to say.
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Someone you don’t know and do not plan to know: silence is fine.
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Someone you do not know, but will have to know (colleague, inherited family members): talk about the weather, scenery, seating, anything bland and immediate.
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Someone you do not know or not well but looks scared or stressed (shivering, twisting hands, looking like they need the loo): smile blandly and make a small comment that does not require an answer.
If all else fails, you can always ask people if they would like you to make conversation, or whether minding your own business is fine. VEVE747
Silence on its own, when I’m on my own, is fine. It helps with concentration. But silence with someone else, particularly in a social situation, can be very awkward. Trying to make small talk with someone else to break the silence is hard work. I think it’s about trying to connect, which is instinctive, so if someone else isn’t talking, they don’t want connection. And that feels awkward. GrasmereGardens
I just finished reading the Guardian article about Alexi Lalas’ World Cup hosting presence. Seems like his co-hosts (Thierry Henry, Zlatan Ibrahimović and Rebecca Lowe) might prefer silence instead of him. Frisco415
It doesn’t, but I’m going to sit here quietly and let you figure that out for yourself. Dorkalicious