Usually nothing makes me happier than receiving a message that starts with “don’t share this, but …”. Yet as I played the voice note on my phone, my gleeful anticipation turned to dismay.
It was a juicy bit of gossip, but one I ultimately would have preferred not to know. Now I also had to conceal it from others.
You’re probably familiar with the feeling. It’s no wonder we talk about “keeping” secrets, and the “burden” of secrecy: keeping something from others can be taxing, whether you’re desperate to conceal it or itching to share.
I felt as if I was fighting to keep a beach ball underwater: as much as I tried to push the secret from mind, thoughts just kept popping up.
That sense of being drained was not just a hunch: keeping secrets is psychologically costly, and associated with a host of negative consequences, says Valentina Bianchi, a clinical psychologist and postdoctoral research fellow at the University of Melbourne.
She is one of just a few academics focused on secrets, and explores how they affect our wellbeing in two forthcoming studies (currently under review). Here’s what she has to say about when we should keep stumm, even at the cost of our own peace – and when we may be better off sharing the burden.
What is a secret?
You probably know what your secrets are, and can say when one crosses your path. But in psychology, where secrets are a relatively recent area of study, “the definition has shifted over time”, says Bianchi.
Researchers used to define secrets as any information being actively held back in conversation, but lately thinking has shifted to define a secret as any information you’ve resolved not to tell someone else. This reflects the 2017 findings, by one of Bianchi’s collaborators, that secrets affect you even when you’re by yourself.
So, at least in the academic definition of secrets, intention trumps action: you don’t have to share everything with your partner, for example, but deciding not to tell them something constitutes a secret. “The moment that someone makes an intention, or commits to hold information back – that’s when a secret is born,” Bianchi explains. “That’s because we know that the most impactful part of having a secret is thinking about it.”
What kinds of secrets are there?
Bianchi and other researchers commonly refer to 38 categories of secrets (see how many you can tick off!). These were identified in the 2017 paper by surveying people about what they had kept secret or hidden from others. Those categories were subsequently tested and refined in further research.
Some are obviously explosive (a concealed relationship, addiction, criminal behaviour) while others wouldn’t raise an eyebrow (a hobby, goal or personal detail you have not shared).
It is not feasible for researchers to know how many secrets people typically have total, because anyone could be concealing “hundreds of lies” alone, Bianchi points out.
But that study found that the average person was holding on to 13 types of secrets, five of which they had never divulged.
Bianchi says the category most commonly reported is having told a lie to someone, then kept that secret. Others that “basically always come up” across studies relate to finances, romantic desires and sexual behaviours, she says.
People also often conceal dissatisfaction about their physical appearance or a relationship, Bianchi says. For example, you might not talk about feeling resentful towards a friend or unhappy with your partner.
How does keeping a secret affect wellbeing?
Stress, worry and fear of being found out all factor into the psychological toll of having secrets, Bianchi says. Even secrets that could be considered positive (such as concealing the fact that you are in love or pregnant) can coexist with anxiety.
Bianchi’s research has found that the key way secrets affect wellbeing is through “spontaneous mind-wandering”: that sometimes unpleasant experience of having thoughts of the secret unintentionally pop into your head.
“We found that this type of thinking encourages negative feelings and, over time, forms a vicious cycle of thinking more about the secret, feeling worse about it and so on,” says Bianchi.
Negative outcomes can include stress, lower relationship satisfaction and feelings of inauthenticity and isolation. Intentionally thinking about the secret doesn’t seem to have the same effect, she adds.
Some studies have even shown a correlation between secrecy or concealing personal information (such as homosexuality, attempted suicide and work stressors) to negative physical health outcomes, says Bianchi.
Yet her research suggests that people routinely prioritise protecting secrets, even at a potential cost to their wellbeing.
In a 2024 paper, she found that people were more likely to suppress their feelings about their secret, or try to distract themselves, than they were to talk to someone.
Aside from the specific burden of secrecy, suppressing thoughts and emotions can be detrimental to wellbeing, Bianchi says – but people seem to accept it in order to safeguard the secret.
How do secrets affect relationships?
Secrecy isn’t necessarily bad. For some professions, such as therapists, journalists and spies, it is essential.
Like gossip, it also serves a social purpose, Bianchi says. For example, concealing information about yourself or another person can be a way of safeguarding your reputation or boosting your social standing.
Likewise, sharing a secret (your own or someone else’s) can be socially strategic, bringing you closer with someone or creating distance with others. “Secrets can actually almost serve a little bit like glue within groups,” says Bianchi.
However, holding on to other people’s secrets can be equally taxing on your wellbeing as holding on to your own – and feeling better is rarely as straightforward as unburdening yourself.
While telling someone else might bring temporary relief, it is “not a panacea”, Bianchi says. “We know that sharing secrets with the wrong people at the wrong time, or in the wrong way, can be extremely detrimental.”
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If your confidant shares your same ethical or social dilemmas about a secret, you’re simply extending the burden. If your views differ, on the other hand – for example, on how important the secret is to conceal – that can take a toll on you, as well as the relationship.
But in general, “revealing secrets is quite rare”, Bianchi says. You are more likely to share your secret with one designated confidant and continue discussing it with them than you are to spread it around.
How can you reduce the emotional impact of keeping a secret?
If you are really struggling with a secret, Bianchi suggests sharing how you feel with a professional, such as a therapist, or a trusted community leader, such as a priest. You don’t have to share the secret itself.
“You can get an empathetic response, a reality check and that different perspective from them, knowing that that’s their job,” she says. “You’re not necessarily burdening them, the same way that you would be a close friend or your partner.”
If confession is a step too far, Bianchi suggests a strategy of “cognitive reappraisal”. Reflect on what the secret means to you, consider the risks and consequences of keeping or sharing it, then make a cost-benefit analysis.
If you can find positive reasons for keeping your secret – say, protecting a relationship or someone else’s feelings – or connect it to your values, it will be easier to carry.
Bianchi’s 2024 paper found that the more people consider their secrets to be immoral, harmful to relationships or unclear in purpose, the greater the negative impact. Likewise, the more negative you consider your secret to be, the more fatiguing it is.
Bianchi suggests we seek to shed some of the self-judgment and shame around secret-keeping. Instead, we can reframe it as mere “information regulation”, an important skill, and even sometimes for the greater good.
I still don’t like to think about that secret I was landed with, and get a nasty jolt when it comes to mind. But it has become easier to manage with time and the freeing realisation that ultimately it’s none of my business. After all, I’ve got enough secrets of my own to deal with.