CHAOS THEORY

This feels like a good day to distract ourselves from [gestures in general direction of outside world] … so let’s check in on the latest events at Real Madrid. Have they finally found dressing-room harmony? Ah. Eek. Oh boy. Two statements from the club on Thursday revealed an “incident in the first-team training session” involving midfielders Federico Valverde and Aurélien Tchouaméni, with the former suffering “head trauma”. It’s now emerged that Valverde needed stitches after a second altercation in as many days with his teammate. After a full and frank exchange of views in Wednesday’s training session at Valdebebas, Valverde then accused Tchouaméni of leaking news of that exchange, resulting in an unseemly tussle where the Uruguayan fell and hit his head on a table. We can only imagine that poor Álvaro Arbeloa, who had just popped out for morale-boosting bocadillos, walked back in to find everything on fire, like Donald Glover in that Community episode.

Real Madrid are on their darkest timeline this season, with zero trophies collected, a systemic rebuild under Xabi Alonso quickly shelved, and the very real prospect of handing Barcelona the league title in Sunday’s clásico. Months of speculation about dressing-room discord have now come to a head. The Valverde incident arrives days after the knacked Kylian Mbappé drew heat for taking a romantic getaway in Sardinia, not long after a reported bust-up with a coach back at Valdebebas who had the temerity to flag him offside. An online petition calling for Mbappé to leave Real Madrid has received – and you’ll like this – 32 million signatures. The French forward, who can point to 41 goals in 41 games this season as a counter-argument, instead issued a half-hearted statement which can be neatly summarised as “Kylian: it was really nothing”.

Truly, the vibes are almost as toxic as the last series of I’m a Celebrity. Antonio Rüdiger is another player to have reportedly been involved in a training-ground row, while Vinícius Júnior has been booed by home fans. Alonso was given the boot with a record of 24 wins and six losses in 34 games; Arbeloa has lost seven of his 24 matches. Seeing as Madrid never actually bothered to explain if Arbeloa was a permanent or interim hire, we can expect him to be gently ushered through the door marked Do One this summer. So, who can rescue Madrid? Carlo Ancelotti is poised to sign a contract extension with Brazil, and if you type “Ancelotti Brazil carnival” into your news aggregator of choice, you can see why the Italian isn’t rushing back to manage Madrid’s many fragile egos.

Instead, if the bookies are to be believed, Florentino Pérez is ready to liberally apply petrol to this bin fire by calling on José Mourinho. The same Mourinho who said that Benfica’s Gianluca Prestianni – banned for six games after aiming abuse at Vinícius Júnior – was “victim of a smear campaign”? Yes, that one. The same Mourinho who once poked Barcelona’s Tito Vilanova in the eye after a touchline skirmish? Yes, him. The same guy who can start and finish a fight inside a paper bag? Yep. Maybe Pérez will come to his senses, and opt against hiring European football’s premier agitator. Maybe he won’t, and we’ll still get to see Mourinho hoisting Bigger Cup aloft next season, not allowing his players to touch the trophy. Whatever happens, it’s guaranteed to be entertaining.

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

“The club understand the seriousness of the matter and it is currently being investigated. As a result, Álex will not be included in the squad for tomorrow’s Premier League game against Fulham and the club will be making no further comment at this time” – Bournemouth confirm they have dropped Álex Jiménez after opening an investigation relating to social media posts. It follows alleged exchanges between Jiménez and an individual who appears to state that they are a 15-year-old girl.

FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS

If Arsenal fans find that they are getting ripped off by hotels in Budapest for the Bigger Cup final, they might try booking hotels in Vienna near the main train station. Vienna-Budapest is less than three hours by train; a pleasant trip along the Danube. Trains run every hour, cost about €53 one way, and the fastest train makes the trip in 2hr 20min. The hotel prices in Vienna should be back down to normal … the Eurovision Song Contest will be over on 16 May. Bratislava might also be a better place to stay and the beer is cheaper” – Eric Ries (“not a travel agent, nor a worker for the Austrian National Railway”).

On a similar vein to Declan Rice’s misquote (yesterday’s Football Daily letters), I remember sometime ago when Manchester United were having problems, Rio Ferdinand was being interviewed about how the players should react. He replied that ‘someone had to assume the mantelpiece’” – Peter Arnold.

If you have any, please send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Eric Ries, who gets a copy of Classic Football Shirts. It’s out now and the Guardian Bookshop is offering discounted copies here if you’re not successful. The are loads of other top reads on their website, too. Terms and conditions for our competitions, when we run them, are here. 

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