Linda, 45

Since everything on the list is something we both like, when he sends me a suggestion it turns me on

The first time Elias and I had sex was the best sex I’d had in my life. We met about 13 years ago after I’d separated from my first husband, with whom I’d had a very mismatched sex drive. My ex said it was normal that you become like roommates after a few years. But sex was really important to me. I thought: I’m 30, I’m not ready to give it up.

Sex is an essential part of my relationship with Elias. But about seven years ago, I began having health issues and ended up having a hysterectomy which kicked me into early menopause. I wasn’t even 40. My sex drive just fell off a cliff.

Elias would want to initiate sex and I kept rejecting him, which began to make him feel insecure. I wanted to want sex, but my body wasn’t responding in the way it used to.

I began reading a bunch of books about menopause and sex – including Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, which suggested an exercise asking both people to describe a really good sexual encounter they’d had. Elias and I ended up putting together a very detailed list of all the intimate things we enjoyed doing together – from listening to a fantasy audio story, to sharing a shower, to choosing a sex toy. We call it our intimacy menu.

The menu is a shared list on the Notes app on our phones, so we each get notifications when one of us has ticked a particular item. For example, if Elias ticks evening phone sex, that’s an invite for us to do it later that day. Since everything on the list is something we both like and we’ve agreed on in advance, when he sends me a suggestion it turns me on. It has helped to break the pattern where I was turning him down. If I really don’t feel up to intimacy that day, I’ll suggest a different time.

My sex drive is back now. It’s not what it used to be, but it’s also part of that larger process of accepting that this is the phase of life I’m in, and I’m happy with it. That acceptance helps me still feel desirable, which is a big part of feeling desire as well.

Elias, 59

Going through these physical changes is a challenge, but it also brings you closer

When Linda and I met it was very sex-oriented. But what started as a one-night stand turned into a relationship of more than 13 years after we found we loved the same music and have the same intellectual interests and so on.

At first, sex was a very strong aspect of it and was almost daily. But w

hen Linda began having issues with her health, her sex drive was really affected. Neither of us liked it, but we didn’t know how to manage it.

Because I was initiating sex and she wasn’t interested, I began to question myself. Was it my fault? Was I getting too old, or was I ugly? Linda always said age had nothing to do with it, and we talked very openly about these insecurities.

For about two years, I had a lot of solo sex, which can satisfy some desires, but not for intimacy or emotion. The good thing is that we were open and talked a lot about these issues. It was important that neither of us felt ashamed, either about wanting sex all the time or not wanting it. It should never be about shame.

Without sounding too managerial, our intimacy menu helps us plan. When I see a suggestion pop up in my inbox from Linda, the anticipation is a kind of foreplay. It helps spice up the whole day before anything actually happens. But there are also things on the list like a cuddle or spooning, and for me that’s another way of getting pleasure.

I know my body is not the same as it was when I was 45, and similar insecurities come up for Linda, but I still think she’s super-hot and I hope she believes me. Going through these physical changes is a challenge, but it also brings you closer, because you’re going through these different phases of life together. We don’t have daily sex now; it’s more like once a week, and that, for both of us, is enough.