Name: Shade wars.

Age: In this instance, quite new.

Appearance: A sandy battleground, studded with enormous flags.

It’s been quite hot recently, hasn’t it? That’s an understatement. This has been the hottest May on record in the UK. And you know what people need most during hot weather?

Better systemic heat adaptation infrastructure? I was thinking more beach shades, but I suppose that’s close enough.

I don’t like beach shades. In my day we’d just pop a knotted hankie on our heads. Then you’d fit in beautifully on Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, where a war is raging over them.

That sounds like hyperbole. Only slightly. The shades in question are made by the US brand Shibumi. They’re huge, wind-powered canopies that act like tethered kites.

Oh, those sound fun. Yes, they’re easy to assemble and provide plenty of shade. At $295 (£220), they are also quite pricey.

Why doesn’t Myrtle Beach like them? Because it mandates that the only shade allowed on the beach should come from more traditional parasols.

But parasols are rubbish. You have to keep getting up and moving them around as the day progresses. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Apparently the main issue with Shibumis is their size, which one resident complained would create “conflicts over territory”.

Is that likely? Possibly. After all, there’s nothing worse than people rocking up to a public space such as a beach and colonising it with all sorts of ungainly items.

But it protects them from the sun. A beach belongs to everybody. Erecting a huge shade is greedy and selfish.

Thank God this is only happening in the US. If only. There’s a similar sense of outrage growing in Australia, where people have to fight for space on beaches because everyone brings their own gazebo now.

Thank God this is only happening in the US and Australia, then. Did you hear that Greece has just banned commercial umbrellas from 251 of its beaches in a bid to reduce overtourism? Torrox in the Costa del Sol, Spain, cracked down on tents and gazebos on its beaches last year.

Well, at least it isn’t happening in the UK. In Weymouth, a fuss was kicked up last summer about the growing prevalence of beach tents, for similarly taking up too much space. “I think large tents are ignorant,” a reader told the Dorset Echo.

Fine, so it’s everywhere. Exactly. And it all boils down to how you view a beach. There are some who see it as land to be colonised by tents, canopies and gazebos.

And others who won’t be happy until all shade is banned, and everyone is singed by sunburn? Yes, and there is no middle ground. If only we could all agree on the one real truth of the matter.

Which is? Beaches are crap – they’re too hot and crowded.

Do say: “Beaches have become tense battlegrounds.”

Don’t say: “The greatest shade of all is staying indoors.”