Graham, 65

Our sexual preferences cover everything from vanilla to being tied up and spanked

Josephine and I met 43 years ago. She was a housemate of my girlfriend – the woman who would then become my wife – so we’ve been friends for a long time. Our lives ran in parallel. We married, had kids, careers – but then our partners died of cancer within three days of each other in 2020.

During that period, we reconnected and supported each other through our grief. About three years later, things suddenly fell into place for me. I realised I was attracted to Josephine and that she was someone I was very compatible with.

At first, I expected it to be a platonic relationship. But one day we were cuddling on the sofa and I asked – a bit tongue-in-cheek, assuming our relationship wouldn’t be sexual – how she felt about kinky sex, which is something I explored with my late wife.

I thought Josephine would push me out of the front door, but she didn’t. She said she’d never had kinky sex before, and she would like to give it a try. That lit the fuse for us.

Our sexual preferences cover everything from vanilla to being tied up and spanked. We take it in turns to be in charge. It’s probably the best sex of my life, because as you become older you have to work at it more. You don’t rush sex because you physically can’t. So we have some long sessions, two or three hours, whereas before I’d be lucky to get 10 minutes.

We both understand where we’re coming from and the life experience we’ve had, so there isn’t any sort of jealousy when we are thinking or talking about our late spouses. Sometimes we make some inevitable comparisons, but we’re honest about it, and we accept it when either one of us becomes upset on anniversaries or birthdays.

Our relationship is in a state of constant evolution. We haven’t run out of ideas, or fallen into a rut. It is constantly developing. Coming on top of what we’ve been through, we know that to be alive is a miracle, and to be having fun as well is excellent.

Josephine, 65

We’ve got two suitcases for sex, and they’re getting heavier

Graham and I joke that we got married in 1985, just not to each other.

The way our relationship changed was gradual. Because we had such a similar experience of loss, we were able to understand each other’s feelings and go through the stages of grief together. It was hard, and it still is.

In the three years after our spouses died, we would meet up for meals, but one day he grabbed me to stop me walking in front of someone and that touch gave me a funny feeling, like a spark. So then we met up afterwards and had the chat about how we feel, about what our relationship could look like, whether it would work. Since then, it has been a revelation.

It had been 40 years since I’d had sex with someone new. After my husband died, I started a new phase of my life. I decided that my mantras were going to be, “Why not?” and “Give it a go.” I just see how it feels, and if it’s right, then that’s great. I’ve applied that to all aspects of my life.

It all started very gently with Graham, but I’ve now discovered my dominant side. It’s liberating. It’s a two-way conversation: “Shall we try this?” We’ve got two suitcases for sex, and they’re getting heavier. I’ve got dressing-up clothes, boots and stilettos, and I’ve made Graham a pinny and a little headdress. And then we’ve got chains and straps, as well as toys that need recharging regularly.

It has been such a journey for me. I had expected to be a little old spinster and had even started to look at retirement homes. Kinky sex has broadened my horizons, and our relationship is a reason for getting up in the morning. One of the biggest things I remember saying to Graham early on was that I wasn’t anybody’s first thought of the day any more, and that was really hard. It was a lonely position. But now we have each other.