The prosecution: Mabel

The mousse he uses puts our animals at risk. I would like him to switch treatments

My boyfriend Steven uses a hair-growth mousse to treat his hair, and I don’t like it. It’s toxic for pets, which is a problem because we have a cat and a dog. He isn’t even that bald; it’s just a small patch on the back of his head, but he’s paranoid about it, so he’s stocked up on these mousses and creams.

I would like him to switch to using hair-growth tablets, which also work well. He doesn’t want to because he says they are less effective, but I think this is selfish. He says that it’s fine because our pets aren’t licking the back of his head. But that underplays the fact that our pets go everywhere in our home. Why take the risk?

The mousse is especially toxic to cats. Sooty is my cat, and I had her before I met Steven six years ago. He tells me to relax but I think he doesn’t care about her as much as he cares about our dog Martin, who we got together. He says that’s not the case, but he has never had the same bond with Sooty.

It’s difficult not to interpret his reluctance to change as a reflection of that difference. If the situation were reversed, and I was considering using something that would be harmful to an animal he deeply loved, I simply wouldn’t take that risk. He washes his hands a lot after using the mousse, but as he uses it twice a day. I’m convinced that one day he won’t be thorough, and then he will go and touch our animals and that’s it.

There’s also a subtle imbalance in the living situation. I moved into Steven’s home nine months ago, and while he’s never made me feel unwelcome, it still feels as if I’m in his space. Him continuing to use this cream despite my concerns reinforces that feeling. It’s his home and his rules – Sooty and I are just living in it.

At its core, this isn’t just about hair, or even pets. It’s about making compromises. I want our pets to grow old with us, and even though Steven says he’s being careful, I’m always on edge about this issue. He needs to just switch to the tablets – then all my thoughts of pet-death can be forgotten.

The defence: Steven

I’m really careful with the cream and always keep it away from our pets. Plus, it works

Since I turned 34, my hair has been really on the out.I wanted to do something about it, rather than just watch it get worse. The treatment I’m using is well known and widely available; it’s not some obscure or experimental product. It does require consistency, and most guides say you need to use it for at least six months to see meaningful results. I’m four months in, and I’ve already started to see some improvement.

I could switch to the tablets, but I want to finish my six-month course. Besides, I bought the mousse in bulk. The tablets are proved to have a similar efficacy, but I like the idea of topical application; anecdotally, I’ve heard that it works better and more quickly. The tablets also come with their own potential side-effects, which I’m not particularly comfortable with.

Mabel’s concern is that the mousse is toxic to pets, particularly cats. That is true, but in this specific situation the problem is overstated. I apply the product carefully and only on to a small area at the back of my head. I wash my hands thoroughly afterwards. It’s not as if I’m letting the animals come into contact with it directly. The idea it could transfer on to furniture and then on to our pets in dangerous quantities feels a stretch.

I also want to push back on the idea that I don’t care about Sooty. I don’t have the same bond with her as Mabel does, but I would never knowingly put her in harm’s way. If I genuinely believed there was a serious risk, I would stop – but I don’t think that threshold has been met here.

Yes, it was my flat originally, but I’ve made every effort to make it feel like our home. I don’t think continuing a personal treatment that affects my confidence is evidence that I’m disregarding Mabel’s place here at all. I think this comes down to balancing perceived risk against real benefit. I’m open to discussing compromises, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect me to abandon something that’s working based on a risk I’m not convinced is significant.

The jury of Guardian readers

Who needs to keep their hair on?

Maybe Mabel wants a symbolic sacrifice, but her anxieties about her place – and Steven’s about his hair loss – will fade over time, if they can help each other feel safe and loved.
Jake, 35

Treating Steven’s vanity is not more important than the life of a treasured pet. He should never have bought the product if he knew it was toxic to pets. We all touch our hair without knowing, so who knows where the mousse has ended up around the house? Spend the mousse money on making the home more welcoming to Mabel.
Alex, 35

Although Mabel seems to recognise Steven’s issue around hair loss and confidence, he seems dismissive of her feelings. Perhaps being open to compromise by using disposable gloves and a shower cap in bed would reduce Mabel’s anxiety?
Nicola, 59

Hair loss is a sensitive subject for Steven and the mousse makes him feel more confident. Perhaps Mabel is focusing on the wrong thing. Are there other aspects of their living arrangements she is less comfortable raising that make her feel she doesn’t have an equal say?
Morag, 65

The animals don’t seem to be in danger – it seems like a very small risk to take. Why not compromise? Steven could wear a hair net on the sofa. Mabel should be less worried about Sooty and more worried about Steven’s confidence.
Ronnie, 56

Now you be the judge

In our online poll, tell us: should Steven lose the mousse?

The poll closes on Wednesday 29 April at 9am BST

Last week’s results

We asked whether Teresa should change the way she bags up the supermarket shopping.

72% of you said yes – Teresa is guilty

28% of you said no – Teresa is innocent