I see Brooklyn Beckham is on his DoorDash privacy tour. After Prince Harry and Meghan “stepped away” from royal family duties, they embarked on what South Park famously designated their worldwide privacy tour. When Brooklyn stepped away from Beckham family duties – which oddly appear to involve a regal level of shared mission, public appearances and emotional repression – he declared that he wished only for privacy.

And so to his DoorDash ad, which dropped on Monday. Brooklyn is becoming quite the Greta Garbo of food delivery service ads, having previously done a collaboration with Uber Eats. But this latest one for DoorDash, owner of Deliveroo, is an eyecatcher. “You’re probably wondering,” he begins – and honestly, he’d be amazed at what I’m actually wondering. “You’re probably wondering why I’m watching the Fifa World Cup 2026 at home,” smirks Brooklyn, throwing down several World Cup tickets on a table that also features items including some letters. “It’s a long story,” he chuckles, before viewers are … tantalised, I think it is? … with the caption slogan: “It’s complicated. More soon.”

Well, don’t leave it too long, etc. The timing seems particularly remarkable, given that it was only last Friday that a photographer captured his 14-year-old sister, Harper, outside the LA house owned by Brooklyn and his wife, Nicola Peltz, trying to hand-deliver him a letter. He was in fact in New York at the time – and, indeed, not minded to accept the idea that a pap just happened to be outside the property to chance on the poignant moment. The couple’s representatives immediately issued a statement: “That photographers were in place as the letter was hand delivered says it all – this was choreographed for the cameras.” The Beckham family camp hit straight back, with a source stating that: “[It] is incredibly sad that this horrible accusation is being levelled at an innocent young girl who just desperately misses her brother.”

To be clear, before we go on any further, this is ALL a devastatingly sad situation. I have zero doubt that the Beckhams adore all their children, and can only be utterly heartbroken by this state of affairs. It’s also hard not to sympathise with Brooklyn, who has been commodified since he was in the womb and clearly had longterm issues with it, even before he met his princess. And yet … it is as if none of the parties involved can quite bring themselves to stop doing the things that got them here – certainly the things that can only make it worse.

Absolutely no one is covering themselves in glory, from the Beckhams, to Brooklyn and his wife, to, let’s face it, the ghastly DoorDash creative team who came up with this ad and successfully pitched it to someone not widely believed to be the brightest star in the entertainment firmament. No doubt they will cheekily upend the assumptions from the first ad in the “coming soon” sequel. But if you believe they weren’t intentional, I’ve a leaking milkshake and some cold nuggets to sell you.

Anyway, speaking of stars, the Beckhams were in LA last week because David was being given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (for some reason). It was, of course, a public family occasion, attended dutifully by all the flown-in children bar Brooklyn. And the months leading up to it have involved all the other occasions – fashion shows, some French cultural honour, exhaustively photographed-and-publicised birthday parties, a New York makeup launch, the Chelsea flower show, a football stadium opening in Miami, and so on, and so on … There seems to be a milestone, once-in-a-lifetime event practically every fortnight, for which the entire family are on a three-line whip.

Some of these, surely, must be less important than others, and not worth flying round the world or missing quite a bit of school for? Surely some count as work events, and could be serviced perfectly adequately by Victoria and David, and not require the full Buckingham Palace balcony shot? Unless, like the Windsors, the family brand is the work, and everyone has to show up for it.

As Brooklyn’s lengthily explosive statement back in January put it: “My family values public promotion and endorsements above all else. Brand Beckham comes first. Family ‘love’ is decided by how much you post on social media, or how quickly you drop everything to show up and pose for a family photo opp …” That post was his Spare; the DoorDash ad is his Netflix documentary. Or perhaps he and his wife are very much beginning to think they have a doc in them. No wonder David and Victoria keep offering up self-commissioned and produced documentaries to the streamer – if they don’t, you can bet who will.

Against this backdrop, it did seem genuinely gobsmacking to learn a few months ago that the Beckhams had trademarked Harper Beckham’s name for a beauty enterprise. Yet following a number of media appearances by her mother in which Victoria started laying the backstory to it all, it has emerged that Harper is actually poised to launch a skincare brand. At 14 years old? Really? Genuinely no one wants to be uncharitable here. But what needs to happen to the Beckhams before they consider the wisdom of ploughing on with some of this stuff? How much money is enough – they are said to be worth almost £1.2bn – before taking your foot off the family branding pedal feels like a healthy thing for everyone involved?

To contradict the viral DoorDash ad: it’s not complicated. Family is family, and there are better ways to live than selling it – or selling it out – all the time.

• Marina Hyde is a Guardian columnist. Her new book, What a Time to be Alive!, is out in September (Guardian Faber Publishing, £20). To support the Guardian, order your signed copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

• Do you have an opinion on the issues raised in this article? If you would like to submit a response of up to 300 words by email to be considered for publication in our letters section, please click here.