For as long as I can remember, I have known I am a girl. That certainty is as instinctive as knowing I am right-handed. It is difficult to explain to someone who has never been transgender or loved someone who is, but I have never lived this way to gain an advantage or take something from someone else. I live this way to honor what I know is true.

I transitioned at four years old. By sixth grade, my identity was public. I grew used to the double takes, the questions, the quiet skepticism. Most of it did not bother me. Curiosity, even when clumsy, is human. People understand gender differently, and I was taught to respect all ideas, just as I hope others respect mine.

But what occurred on 4 May was not respectful, nor was it curiosity – it was a blatant attack on the values I have always been taught to prioritize.

Days earlier, I competed in the Prep League Finals, a track championship for a small private school league in southern California. In the lane next to me was my older sister. Despite running on an irritated knee, my sister was chasing a likely victory in the 400 meters. She had won each of our prior races. So, when I crossed the finish line just milliseconds before her, I was as surprised as everyone else. My teammates rushed to me, cheering wildly. My sister wrapped me in a hug. My parents celebrated from the stands. It was a moment of joy, as simple, fleeting and shared as the victory of any other child.

Days later, the first headlines materialized across conservative media. To them, my victory wasn’t the typical celebration of a typical child; it was a crime, and I was a thief.

“Transgender heiress, 14, steals victory from her own SISTER at California race”

“Another biological male wins high school track championship”

“‘Trans’ Boy Beats Sister for Gold”

The comments were even worse:

“Put it in a padded room”

“Freak”

“Boy Shoulders”

“Monster”

“What a creep!”

Through each degrading claim and ostentatious headline, I realized the conversation was more malevolent than I anticipated. Not because of what they said about my performance, but because of what they said about my character. This was not a healthy debate about fairness in sports; it was about my worth as a person.

Countless adults absently unlocked their phones and devastated a 14 year old. It didn’t matter that my sister couldn’t have been prouder or that the scientific evidence on trans women’s advantages is mixed or even (and especially) that no child would upend their life for the chance of winning a race a decade later. It was far easier to comment than to question. Easier to react than to understand.

We can have conversations about fairness and equity in sports. In fact, we should. But the way we are conducting them is failing us. The line between debate and dehumanization has not just been crossed – it’s been erased. Opinion is being presented as fact. Disagreement is becoming ridicule. What masquerades as dialogue is amounting to something closer to public shaming.

And when the target is a freshman in high school, it is time we recognize that something has gone horribly wrong.

My plea is simple, but essential. Because if we ignore it, we risk continuing to take steps away from a respectful and constructive debate.

If you are a journalist or reader, a supporter or a skeptic, do the work before you speak. Seek out credible information. Hold your opinions to the highest standard of truth. Continue debating policies, questioning systems and expressing disagreement, but do not needlessly attack someone’s character to make your point. That is not thoughtful. It is not responsible. And, perhaps most importantly, it is absolutely not harmless.

Next time you choose to share your voice, remember that what lies beneath your finger is not just an upload button, but someone’s emotional wellbeing. Behind every headline, every comment, every repost, there is a person. There is a life that absorbs the gravity of your actions and the weight of your words.

If you want to begin taking steps toward positive change, I suggest you start listening to transgender people, reading reputable reporting and engaging with research. Organizations like the Trevor Project offer insight into the lived experiences of transgender youth. Outlets such as the Associated Press and PBS NewsHour aim for balanced coverage. Peer-reviewed studies in the British Journal of Sports Medicine or the National Center for Biotechnology Information provide a deeper scientific context. Remember that none of these sources is perfect, but they are a good place to start.

Because no child, transgender or cisgender, should be forced to endure the cruelty of uninformed adults.

• Lina Haaga is a transgender student athlete