Let me pick the toothpaste for you(or how to brush your teeth admins way)

Do not confuse it with TPM Trusted Platform Module

Brush your teeth kernel scum

0. Clone the repository to ~/tpm and make it:

git clone https://github.com/notlibrary/tpm.git

Linux(Ubuntu): make -f tpm-ubuntu.mk

Windows: nmake.exe /f .\Makefile.msc

Unix autotools tarball:

Fetch the tpm-unix-tarball-amd64-x.y.z.tar.gz tarball from GitHub release page unpack then

./configure
make 
make install

WASM: Unpack tpm.wasm from tpm-wasm-bin-amd64-x.y.z.tar.gz and run it with preferred runtime

1. Define the available(what is in the bathroom) toothpastes in the CSV format file with path ~/tpm/toothpastes see ~/tpm/toothpastes.sample or ~/tpm/toothpastes-enhanced.sample below for format details
2. Put TPM in the daily crontab or task scheduler task to run it daily(or twice a day)

Windows: schtasks /create /tn "TPM" /tr "C:\Program Files\tpm\tpm.exe" /sc daily /st 09:00

Linux(Ubuntu and other distros): There are 3 ways to bring cron task to the foreground depending of what are you expecting as foreground

• Identify and redirect output to the active TTY

Identify the TTY

tty

/dev/pts/1

Add the task with redirect to /dev/pts/1

cronrtab -e append

00 9 * * * ( echo && /usr/local/bin/tpm ) > /dev/pts/1 2>&1

• Create the tmux session

cronrtab -e append

00 9 * * * /usr/bin/tmux new-session -d -s "tpm" "/usr/local/bin/tpm"

Attach the session later

tmux attach-session -t tpm

• Open the default X Window System terminal

cronrtab -e append

00 9 * * * DISPLAY=:0 xterm -e /usr/local/bin/tpm

• Finally with the simple crontab and configured MTA you can read cron mail with the tpm output

crontab -e append

00 9 * * * /usr/local/bin/tpm

I don't do this step automatically from code because cron is not portable solution and each user has different brush time different timezone and different terminal it's users who should spent 5 minutes to figure things out and schedule the underlying task as they wish it's simple enough operation for most systems

If setting the cron job is too hard another tactic is to make a new special dummy user which runs tpm on login I left this to an auditory as an exercise

Spoiler add this to ~/.bashrc to auto attach cron session on login via SSH

if [[ -z "$TMUX" ]] && [[ -n "$SSH_TTY" ]]; then
    tmux attach-session -t tpm || tmux new-session -s ssh_tmux
fi

3. Enjoy the machine doing it for you

Tiny simple terminal console C program with maximum utility and zero maintenance burden

What if Chekhov is alive and is a C programmer?

Linux build also has tpm.1 manual and unit tests battery folder included

If everything failed another way is to setup the daily anacron task

Finally the last nice alternative is free tooth brushing in GitHub actions runner container See .github/workflows/brush.yml for workflow details and raw action runner logs

Moreover GNU Autotools WASM and code Babylonian nature provided us a giant leap of portability forward theoretically we can push even further by running it on OpenWrt router or motherboard UEFI IPMI even in the bootloader more than enough this may interest Chinese users

Another one alternative OS dependable schedule strategy is to bind F3 hotkey to run tpm

Sample terminal output from verbose mode:

Good Morning Serenity Welcome to the toothpaste picking manager
Already picked today
Pick type: Default
Toothpaste: >>> SENSODYNE (150g) [100/100] <<<
Toothbrush: White Lacalut 19 50
Toothpaste index: 1/3
Toothpaste type: Random
Dental Formula: 1-10-2-2
Day: Sunday 20583
Total picks: 75
Last pick time: Sun May 10 09:00:02 2026
Tubes wasted: 0+0+0=0
Source: C:\Users\Serenity\tpm\toothpastes
Meme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

Press any key to continue . . .

Sample JSON output:

{
         "who":"Anonymous",
         "toothpaste":"Unknown",
         "tube_mass_g":666,
		 "rating":50,
		 "meme":"sup /b/"
}

Because working with JSON without the special library is complicated it outputs only 5 fields JSON

Basically it automatically answers the question "Which toothpaste I should use today?" by picking it from the predefined available toothpastes linked list using total epoch days mod total available toothpastes as the list index I started coding it when found 3 different toothpaste tubes in the bathroom still using it without an issue

It supports 8 toothpaste picking methods calling picking types: Default, Random, By index, By Brand, Max rating, Max tube mass, Min rating, Min tube mas

Here is the analog SQLite circular query that do default picking type:

SELECT * FROM toothpastes WHERE id=mod((SELECT CAST(unixepoch('now') / 86400 AS INTEGER)), (SELECT COUNT(*) FROM toothpastes)) LIMIT 1;

Also the pick.sql contains other SQL queries for different picking types.

The point is in fact you do not need SQLite PostgreSQL or LMDB to perform a single pick operation and sometimes even the single pick is more than enough

How many sqliters does it take to pick the toothpaste? NULL

It ubiquitous portability is rather the feature than a bug

It will be trying to use local computer terminals to pick up the toothpaste long after you die till the heat death of Universe probably

Moreover it does not even care about the download counter if you do not brush your teeth you end with dental rot plaque sad but true software nerds has little to offer here

To cope you may try to treat it as a hobby bird watching butterfly collecting fishing toothpaste picking still better than being stereotypical rotten teeth open source bum

There is also third output mode CSV for those who want to save pick info When active it auto appends current pick info to giant CSV with all picks collection picks.CSV This is purely optional The CSV record format for CSV mode follows default mode total 23 attributes: #username, pick_type, new_pick_flag,new_toothbrush_flag,new_dentist_visit, toothpaste_brand, tube_mass_g, toothpaste_rating,toothbrush_color, toothbrush_brand, toothbrush_length_cm, toothbrush_hardness, toothpaste_index, total_toothpastes, toothpaste_type, dental_formula, day_of_the_week, day_counter,total_picks,last_pick_time,wasted_tubes_report,toothpastes_file_path,meme_payload

Unfortunately brushing teeth over the Internets is full of bs anyway you need someone who mastered the matter to finally cut it off

Inner toothpaste types

There are 5 supported toothpaste types They are not pick types

• Random: Default toothpaste type
• Nothing: No toothpaste
• Unknown: Unknown toothpaste
• 0-paste: last tube of Random toothpaste with index 0
• builtin: no or error reading ~/tpm/toothpastes file fallback toothpaste

Dental formula

The dental formula is an expression with format W-X-Y-Z where

W toothbrushes times per day

X minutes per toothbrush

Y toothbrushes swaps per year

Z dentist visits per year

So default conventional formulas are 2-2-2-2 and 1-10-2-2

Also sometimes is possible to add 5th term toothpaste grams per nurdle but this program do not support it

Command line options

-a --rating pick the toothpaste with highest rating

-w --weight pick the toothpaste with highest tube weight

-j --json output the JSON with last pick info instead toothpaste picking string

-C --csv output and appends the CSV with last pick info instead toothpaste picking string

-v --version show the toothpaste picking manager version

-x --random perform a random toothpaste pick

-q --quiet the quiet toothpaste pick

-l --list list the available toothpastes

-r --reset reset the total toothpaste picks counter

-F --fake_stats use PRNG to get total toothpaste picks counter

-U --UPPER convert brand string to UPPERCASE

-f --formula set the dental formula dental_formula

-o --output pick_output_file output toothpaste picking string or JSON or CSV to the text file pick_output_file

-c --config config_file load the custom configuration file config file

-t --stats pick_stats output the pick stats to pick_stats file

-s --counter [counter_value] set the total toothpaste picks counter

-p --type [toothpaste_pick_type_value] set the toothpaste pick type value

-i --index [toothpaste_index] pick the toothpaste by index

-b --brand [toothpaste_brand] pick the toothpaste by brand

-z --timezone [delta_hours] set the timezone hours [-11,11] lag manually

-d --delta [delta_days] pick the toothpaste with default method in the future or the past

-m --meme [meme_payload] carry user cultural info unit to the toothpaste picking message

-T --template [template] set output template

toothpastes_path path to the toothpastes CSV file

Configuration file options

The configuration is located in ~/tpm/tpm.conf file It's options:

LOAD_CONFIG loads the configuration file tpm.conf from specific path

USERNAME override the username

PICK_TYPE set the toothpaste pick type [0,7] number for Default, Random, By index, By brand, Max rating, Max tube mass, Min rating, Min tube mas

DENTAL_FORMULA set the dental formula eg. "2-2-2-2"

VERBOSE 0 for the quiet toothpaste pick

TOOTHPASTES the toothpastes list CSV full file name

LAST_PICK the last pick file location

PICK_STATS the pick stats file location

LIST_TOOTHPASTES 1 to list the available toothpastes

OUTPUT_JSON 1 to output the JSON with toothpaste pick

OUTPUT_CSV 1 to output and append the CSV with toothpaste pick

FAKE_STATS use PRNG to get total toothpaste picks counter

OUTPUT_FILE 1 to output to the file ~tpm/last_pick

PICK_INDEX pick the toothpaste by this index if PICK_TYPE=2

BRAND pick the toothpaste by this brand if PICK_TYPE=3

UPPER_BRANDS 1 to convert brand string to UPPERCASE

RESET_COUNTER 1 to reset the toothpaste pick counter

SET_COUNTER not 0 to set the toothpaste pick counter

TIMEZONE set the timezone hours [-11,11] lag manually

DELTA_DAYS pick the toothpaste with default method in the future or the past

MEME carry user cultural info unit to the toothpaste picking message

TEMPLATE set output template

TPM Toothpastes Picking Manager Configuration Sample

[CONSTANTS]
LOAD_CONFIG="C:\Users\Anonymous\tpm\tpm.conf"
DEFAULT=0
TRUE=1
FALSE=0
[GENERAL]
USERNAME="Anonymous"
PICK_TYPE=DEFAULT
DENTAL_FORMULA="2-2-2-2"
VERBOSE=TRUE
TOOTHPASTES="C:\Users\Anonymous\tpm\toothpastes"
LAST_PICK="C:\Users\Anonymous\tpm\last_pick"
PICK_STATS="C:\Users\Anonymous\tpm\pickstats"
LIST_TOOTHPASTES=FALSE
OUTPUT_JSON=FALSE
OUTPUT_CSV=FALSE
OUTPUT_FILE=FALSE
FAKE_STATS=FALSE
PICK_INDEX=0
RESET_COUNTER=FALSE
SET_COUNTER=0
BRAND="Unknown"
UPPER_BRANDS=0
TIMEZONE=0
DELTA_DAYS=0
MEME=42
TEMPLATE="guwntdapobiTfWPlUsmI"

TPM The Toothpastes Picking Manager Files List

~/tpm/toothpastes the CSV toothpastes list

~/tpm/tpm.conf the TPM configuration file

~/tpm/pickstats the toothpaste pick stats binary file

~/tpm/last_pick the last toothpaste pick output raw message string CSV or JSON file

TPM The Toothpastes Picking Manager Toothpastes List CSV format sample

#Index,Brand string,Tube mass grams,Rating
0,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 1,100,85
1,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 2,50,90
2,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 3,150,100
3,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 4,50,100
4,Nothing,0,0

Sure you can pick anything this way not only toothpastes Food beverages clothes gym exercises meds even Linux commands moreover you can recursively pick the toothpaste pick type(method) itself but there is no meaning in it pick the toothpaste in the bathroom is obvious useful default solution for most people

The default guardian line limit is set to 1024

The max brand string length is 128

The list consisting only from 1 single item is perfectly fine It single item index should starts from 0 zero then it's called 0-paste If you have few single brand tubes you may have different brand strings for each tube you got

UPPERCASE the brand string to ensure it's seen first through running down terminal with the toothpaste picking string

TPM The Toothpastes Picking Manager Toothpastes List CSV enhanced format sample

#Index,Brand string,Tube mass grams,Rating, Toothbrush Color, Toothbrush Brand, Toothbrush Length_cm, Toothbrush Hardness
0,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 1,100,85,Black,Random toothbrush,20,50
1,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 2,50,90,White,Random toothbrush,25,25
2,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 3,150,100,Pink,Random toothbrush,20,50
3,RANDOM TOOTHPASTE 4,50,100,Green,Random toothbrush,20,50
4,Nothing,0,0,Nothing,Nothing,0,0

Templater output table

Templater is used to control the TPM output

guwntdapobiTfWPlUsmI is a standard default TPM output template

g good time of the day

u username

w welcome

n new pick

t new toothbrush

d new dentist visit

a already picked

p pick type

o toothpaste

b toothbrush

i toothpaste index

T toothpaste type

f dental formula

W day of the week

P total picks

l last pick time

U tubes wasted

s toothpastes source path

m meme

I quiet mode string

Shell tips and tricks

A few shell one-liners demonstrating tpm usage

	tpm -c tpm.conf.sample toothpastes.sample
	echo hi | tpm | grep oo
	tpm -l > toothpastes
	tpm -qU
	echo hi | tpm | head -n 4 | tail -n 1
	tpm -C >> picks.csv
	tpm -v | grep Compiler
	man tpm
    echo | ./tpm --fake_stats -c tpm.conf toothpastes
	wasmtime --dir=. tpm.wasm
	bind -x '"\eOR":"echo | tpm"'
	tpm -msup/b/
	tpm -T mmm
	tpm -T ob toothpastes-enhanced.sample
	echo "Done" | tpm | nc -u -b 192.168.1.255 12345

Long Windows PowerShell command to append Anonymous last toothpaste pick info into picks.csv

	& ("C:\Program Files\tpm\tpm.exe") -C >> "C:\Users\Anonymous\tpm\picks.csv"

The biggest dental lie on the planet

Here we go let's do some math estimation again:

total brushes per lifetime = average life expectancy * days per year * brushes per day

$$ B = 73 * 365 * 2 = 53 290 $$

total toothpaste mass = ( world population * total brushes per lifetime * grams per nurdle ) / grams in kg

$$ M = ( 8 300 000 000 * 53 290 * 1.5 ) / 1 000 g = 663 460 500 000 kg $$

total toothpaste volume = mass / density

$$ V = 663 460 500 000 kg / 1300 kg/m^3 = 510 354 230 m^3 $$

Around $20^3$ times lower than mt Everest volume

linear size m = cbroot(volume)

$$ L = \sqrt[3]{510 354 230} m^3 \approx 800 m $$

So you need the cube with the edge 800 meters filled with the toothpaste to brush them all for the rest of their lives

Good luck with that

This estimation does not take in account milk teeth gender country life expectancy differences and people age habits

Who will win? Sysadmin tooth brushing program vs tartar dental plaque fight dental rot together

Now let's recalculate on the 75 ml tubes per second per country basis

Tubes per year = ( volume / average life expectancy / total countries in the world / ml per tube ) * ml in m^3

$$ T = 510 354 230 m^3 / 73 / 195 / 75 ml * 1 000 000 ml/m^3 = 478 027 613 $$

Tubes per second = T / days in year / seconds per day

$TPS = 478 027 613 / 365 / 86400 = 15 $ 75ml toothpaste tubes per second per country

Did your country produce enough? See the toothpaste business is walking devil in detail idiom

Per component reverse engineering and pick by AI

This is the advanced topic the key point is that make a new toothpaste is cheaper than reverse engineer the old one so AI simply has not enough data to base on and thus it's picking in the best case is no better than random even with carefully designed system prompts

Another approach is to treat anything as toothpaste component then store the empirically successful compounds in the special database again agent without access to this db means it can't produce useful pick

Or you can hold the master chemistry technology degree and have 20 years of practical experience so you just know what toothpaste components are in reality then my question is what the hell are you doing with my repo sir? Am I good?

So open source toothpaste is just a daydream

Why use this program at all?

Nice try

It takes the single cron slot and list of toothpastes one single time

It gives the long string about happening toothpaste picking process for a lifetime for free

Judge for yourself if this is a good deal or not and why

• It works on low level in harsh environments when the internet is down unavailable or blocked by the government firewall
• Of course it runs on the toaster with zero system requirements
• It serves the basic crucial user need independently OS type SQL support just does not matter
• It helps utilize the 5$ VPSes and old computers including SBCs by running on them useful payload
• It has perfectly fine sane regular ordinary usual predictable behavior(almost pedantic) that makes perfect sense
• And finally it's the tiny size less than 44KB with -Os flag almost 1.5 times smaller than LMDB (Windows .exe however has 200KB builtin .ico)

OK program is good users are bad what now? You are getting it just pick again you have ~30000 tries per lifetime Also this program itself defines the whole new software genre "toothpaste picking managers" like file managers window managers database managers device managers etc

I'm not joking if you know how to do it better make the pull request thread and show me the code

DeepSeek review

TPM is a fully functional, lightweight, and portable utility wrapped in a layer of humor. It takes a simple concept (choosing a toothpaste) and implements it with the rigor of an enterprise software project, complete with multiple build systems, output formats, and scheduling instructions. It's a playful tool for command-line enthusiasts who appreciate automation and a good joke.

For the exact build steps, all available command-line flags, and the complete configuration options, checking the project's README.md and source files on its GitHub page is the best approach.

Origin analysis

There are 3 different versions of origin of this code pick and like one that fits more for your character:

• American The Man just trolling enterprise software company production process whole thing is a clever joke
• Chinese tries to master the single ubiquitous tooth brushing task then giant leap forward to 9000 more platforms with it
• Russian anykey admin tries to get rid of 3 empty toothpaste tubes in the bathroom then whole thing happens

This is only the main identity vector sure it needs some diversification through identity zoo this all is up to you while my business here is almost done

Another nice take is constant flame debating whether whole this thing is a joke or a serious business We don't have an exact answer perhaps you should observe and experience it yourself to form an opinion

P.S. Do not forget to brush your hard disk with dd and rm -rf / toothpastes twice a day