Innovations to watch out for.
History Facks
2025 is sure to be one for the history books, but who even needs history books these days? So big and bulky, so full of weird names and outdated events. Use this AI-powered hack to do a quick scan of all historical documents and consolidate the past down into small, easy to remember “facks” that you can pull up any time you need to justify your impulsive behavior.
Faithful Steed
Like Uber, but with a faithful steed. When you need to escape from a sticky situation, like say, confronting your neighbor Gene about the ridiculous bumper sticker on his cybertruck, just press a button on your phone and a glorious white horse, with a flowing mane will appear out of nowhere so you can climb atop its back and ride off while giving Gene the finger.
Gland Squirter
Performs sentiment analysis of your social media feed, texts, and emails, to let your brain know when it’s time to release various enzymes, hormones and neurotransmitters. Automatically orders a new supply of pharmaceuticals if you’re running low on anything.
Gnews Gnome
Having trouble making sense of the news these days? Try Gnews Gnome, the new AI-assisted news reader that’s literally making headlines. Gnews Gnome scans any text you’re about to read to make sure it’s not just a bunch of words strung together to optimize search engine performance, then checks to see if it matches the definition of “news” you selected at sign-up. If the word-jumble is a match, Gnews Gnome gives it a headline you’re likely to click, rewrites the text to make it appealing, removes any facts or statements that conflict with your personalization preferences, then slips it into your Gnews feed as if nothing happened. It’s not news, it’s Gnews!
Kalendro the Magnificent Mindreading Calendar
The AI-powered scheduling app that reads your mind and makes sure you to do the things you’re about to forget. You’ll never slack-off or procrastinate again once you submit to the will of Kalendro. Listen to the voice of Kalendro, for he is your guide through the mysteries of time and space:
MON: “It is I, Kalendro, commanding you to stop scratching your forearm.”
WED: “Kalendro compels you to attend the appointment I set with your dermatologist.”
FRI: “Obey Kalendro. Apply the prescribed ointment.”
Wheel.ai
This wildly innovative take on classic locomotion uses AI-powered radial geometry, combined with upcycled by-products of rubber trees to propel any apparatus across the ground and into the future. Attach two or more Wheel X.2s using the patent-pending aXle system and turn virtually any object into a vehicle. The Wheel. Reinvented.
Tone Tuner
Tone Tuner analyzes your written communications to discover all those subtle patterns and nuances that make your writing uniquely yours. Compose emails, write memos, and reply to social media mentions—all in your own writing style. Your shrill, long-winded, self-righteous writing style— complete with irritating emojis.
Pretzel Coach
Pretzel Coach trains you to eat pretzels only when the time is right. Which is pretzel time. Pretzel time is determined by processing several billion mentions of the word “pretzel” and comparing them with Bavarian weather patterns to generate an optimal pretzel schedule and pretzel menu. Pretzel stick? Pretzel-shaped pretzels? Soft? Hard? Pretzel coach says that pretzel time is now. You may eat one pretzel stick. Danke pretzel coach. Dankeschön.
Travel Optimizr
Generate beautiful photo-realistic renderings of you and your family doing things you’ve always dreamed of, like windsurfing in Maui or skiing in Bavaria. Share your creations on social media, or print them on mugs, t-shirts, or wallet-sized prints so you can relive these scenes while waiting at the bus stop in the rain. Because these scenes are imaginary, and you don’t have a family. Only pretzels.
Huggy the Mattress
An AI-enabled mattress that not only adjusts your sleep number and all that, but also gives you a big ol’ hug by condensing and folding a layer of memory-foam when it detects that you’re wide awake at 3:45 AM contemplating the difference between a dictatorship and authoritarianism. There’s also a little speaker in there that whispers stuff like, “You got this, kiddo. Huggy’s proud of you.”
Helix Menace Detector
Point your phone’s camera at any face and let Menace Detector tell you if the person is say, a pizza delivery guy, or in fact, a member of The Helix Collective, the secret society tasked with monitoring your activities, and lowering your credit score.
Helix Credit Optimizr
Did you know credit scores are on a sliding scale? Stop fretting about raising your credit score and instead, start lowering the score of others. Follow the instructions on the app, and watch your credit score rise, all while receiving Helix Reward Points. Let Helix help you navigate these tumultuous times. Join the ranks of The Helix Collective.
Helix Immersion Detector
When you take a picture of your surroundings, this helpful bot will tell you whether you’re living in everyday reality, or unwittingly stuck in a sophisticated alternate reality role-playing game called The Helix Conundrum, in which all the people you encounter are receiving their lines and instructions from a centralized game hub known only as The Helix. Or is the Immersion Detector just another player in the game? Have fun and earn Helix Reward points, all while trying to decipher fiction from reality.
Helix Shopper
The shopping app that converts your Helix Reward Points to HelixCoin, the cryptocurrency that lets you shop online at the Helix Mall, where you can buy collectible, celebrity-endorsed fashion items for your in-game avatar. Or is it your real body? Who cares? It’s Pretzel Time!
Huskr.ai
The first AI-assisted dating app that allows you to exit your body and match it with that of another human who’s very soul has been rendered irrelevant by the latest tech innovations. Tap into the live feed and check in on the hilarious spectacle of two human husks clunking around together in the physical world.