Published December 13, 2018 · 7 min read

I get along with people. I talk, I joke, I do the normal office stuff. But even with that, something about how work actually works has always felt off. You think the job is mostly about building things, fixing things, or shipping things. Then you realise a stupid amount of your success depends on this invisible social layer.

It’s not charisma or networking or any of that forced crap. It’s tiny things: skipping one lunch, not hanging around the kitchen, someone misreading your face. You can be delivering real work and still get judged on many things you didn’t care about.

I’m fine socially, but even for me it gets tiring how much of the job has nothing to do with the job. If you’re early in your career and think your work alone will carry you, here’s the truth. It won’t. The real work is social.

The Real Software Engineering Is Social Not Lone Wolf

The Myth of Meritocracy

I honestly thought work was about doing good work. That was my whole understanding of how a career worked. You deliver, people notice, and things move forward. Not quite. The more I managed people, the more I realised that’s not how it actually plays out. The workplace isn’t built on merit.

You Think the Job Is About Work

I used to believe that if I focused on building things, fixing problems, and helping the team, that would naturally put me in a good spot. It sounds logical. It just isn’t true. You can be doing great work every week and nobody gives a shit because they barely even register you’re there. Meanwhile louder people hype tiny wins and instantly stand out. 

What actually runs a workplace is the social crap nobody mentions. Who chats in the kitchen. Who laughs at the right moments. Who joins lunch. Who looks friendly. Who seems easy to approach. It’s fucking ridiculous, but people judge you on tiny, useless things unrelated to your work.

If you’re quiet, they make up a fucked-up personality for you. Suddenly you’re cold or distant or not a team player. None of it is true, but perception wins. Someone average with small talk gets noticed faster than the person carrying the team.

Why Performance Doesn’t Speak for Itself

As a new manager, it shocked me how often managers just don’t know who’s actually doing the best work. They’re too busy to know the details, so they rely on shortcuts. They remember whoever talks to them. They remember the ones who update them. They remember the ones who look confident or enthusiastic.

So performance alone isn’t enough. It doesn’t magically rise to the top. If people don’t see it or hear about it, it might as well not exist. That’s the hard truth I had to learn pretty fast. The workplace isn’t a meritocracy. It’s a social system pretending to be one.

Once you start paying attention, you realise the social stuff isn’t some side quest. It actually affects your whole career. And not in small ways. If you don’t play along, you get hit with penalties you didn’t even know existed. It’s like an invisible score system running in the background, and you only notice it when you’re already losing points.

Visibility Bias

One thing I noticed fast as a manager is how much being seen changes everything. Someone can be doing really solid work, but if nobody remembers them in meetings, they basically disappear from every important conversation. Someone doing little but talking a lot looks amazing.

It’s not fair. But the truth is people remember faces and moments, not quiet execution. If your boss’s boss knows your name, you’re already winning. If they have to ask who you are, you’re already screwed.

Likability as Job Security

This part annoys me the most is that being liked is basically fucking job security. During reorgs or layoffs, the quiet ones are the easiest cuts. Not because of performance just because nobody feels anything toward them. People will bend over backwards to keep the folks they enjoy working with, even if those people aren’t delivering as much.

You can be solid and still disposable if you’re not one of them.

The Introvert Tax

If you’re introverted or just not naturally talkative, the workplace basically charges you extra for it. You focus, you work, you mind your own business, and somehow that becomes not engaged or doesn’t collaborate.

The annoying part is you don’t have to become some office clown or fake-extrovert to survive this stuff. You don’t need to be the loudest person in the room. But you also can’t pretend the social side doesn’t exist. There’s a minimum bar you need to hit so people don’t mislabel you or forget you exist. You need to do just enough so you’re not at a disadvantage before the real work even starts.

You Don’t Need to Be an Extrovert

Social skills aren't the same as being talkative. You can stay introverted. You can stay quiet. You can still hate small talk. And that’s fine. What matters is how approachable you seem, not how much noise you make.

Even a simple “hey, morning” goes a long way. Or just not looking like you’re about to bite someone’s head off when you’re thinking hard. People don’t need you to be the soul of the party. Nevertheless, they just need to feel like they can talk to you without it being weird.

Low-Effort Habits

When I was coaching one of the engineers on the social aspect, I thought about people who do the social part well, a few things stand out. Here’s what you can do.

• Say hello when you walk in.
• Don’t avoid the hallway conversation every single time.
• Sit with the team for lunch once in a while.
• Update your manager before they chase you.
• Mention what you’re working on, even if it feels obvious.
• A tiny bit of small talk before a meeting won’t kill you.

None of this turns you into the social person of the year, but it keeps you visible enough that people don’t make up negative stories about you.

Relationship Capital Opens Doors

A little relationship-building goes a long way. And I mean little. You don’t need deep friendships. You don’t need to share personal stuff. You just need people to not feel awkward around you. When people feel comfortable, they include you more. They trust you more. They recommend you more.

Most opportunities don’t come from some formal process. They come from someone saying, “Yeah, I know them, they’re good.” That’s it. One sentence. But you only get that sentence if you’ve built even a tiny bit of connection. If nobody knows who the fuck you are, well, you won’t get that.

Play the Game

The trick is finding the version of socialising that doesn’t drain you. I'm an extrovert. So, I can’t relate but I know it drains energy for introverts. You don’t need to go to every drink or pretend to love every boring conversation about someone’s weekend. You just need to show up enough times that people see you as part of the team.

Do the minimum. Do it consistently. And do it in a way that doesn’t feel fake. If you try too hard, it backfires. But if you do nothing, the system eats you alive. The reality is pretty simple. You can ignore the social game, but the social game won’t ignore you.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how good you are if nobody notices. That’s the part I learned the hard way. You can do amazing work and still get ignored just because you weren’t visible enough or social enough. It shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

You don’t need to fake anything or suddenly become an extrovert. You just need to show up a bit socially so people actually know who you are. That’s it. If you ignore that part, the system quietly works against you. It sounds stupid, but the truth is simple. The real work is social, whether you like it or not.