it took a big cup 2025-06-04 so, it's weird. i have recently, personally, gone through a bout of forgiveness and empathy towards myself. i'm feeling maybe more self love than i've ever felt. __ __ / \ / \ / \/ \ | love > 0 | \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \/ i say it started with a cup, but it sort of started with being bad at using a calendar. for i'm an addict, you see. when i was a kid, i was diagnosed with an "organizational disorder", and received an ADHD prescription. as it turns out, giving powerful stimulants to an adolescent is kind of an insane thing to do. generally speaking, the way that most ADHD medication (particularly adderall) works is by keeping more dopamine in your brain, more of the time. this feeling can cause enormous rushes of euphoria, which triggered immediate disordered use - speaking from personal experience. i was addicted to adderall for many years. i still am. but i can resist it now. and for a long time, i couldn't. i'm convinced that no child should be exposed to these addictive substances. 💊💊💊 adderall decayed my humanity. one of the side effects of adderall is dramatically diminished appetite, to the point i received a real-life "malnourished" diagnosis from a real-life doctor. i was tired constantly, to the point where the only activities i had energy for were mental activities - dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. this haze, where energy is not real - it is artificial. but it doesn't last - it rebounds. good feelings become bad. if we're being honest, i am depressed. prone to depression - i always have been. but i'm pretty sure (almost 100% sure) that letting your body atrophy in-place due to drug induced starvation will make your depression more frequent, and more intense. i suppose. 〇 anxiety, depression, and inactivity all feed on one another. and that cycle is hard to break, especially alone. i started small, by accident. i bought a stanley cup. it's a dark green cup, and it's voluptuous. it holds 40 ounces of liquid. it has a wonderful texture (important to me), it _FITS IN A CUPHOLDER_, and critically, it has a straw. if we're being really honest, the straw changed the game. have you ever used a straw? it's fun! i immediately began sucking on it subconsciously. as long as i remembered to keep my big cup nearby, my body was compelled to bend down drink. it was as if someone had installed a liquid cooler within me, after years of running dry & hot. water gave me just enough energy to start walking on a treadmill. the treadmill gave me enough energy to start doing a few pushups. and on and on. exercise returned my hunger to me. for the first time in my life, i eat regularly. i weigh a normal amount for my height. i feel secure and confident. my energy is natural, and abundant. i feel for myself. god. it only took me 32 years, but i made it out. for now. i'll strive to keep it that way. 𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕 𝖜𝖔𝖒𝖕 ≽^•⩊•^≼

follow me on mastodon or bluesky!

last updated 2025-06-04T00:00:00.000Z