Now that Hollywood is dead, it’s time to pivot to marketing. Just kidding—A.I. took most of those jobs. Luckily, your unique skill set is the perfect match for the following professions:

Teacher

You’ve come so far in your career, and have the résumé to prove it. Sure, it’s a little dusty, and now there’s a budding, young actor with your exact same name, which kind of muddles your IMDb presence—but still. You’ve worked on exciting projects! It’s time to put all that experience to good use. And by that I mean convincing twentysomethings to ask their parents for money to take your Zoom class on pilot writing.

Novelist

The TV and moviemaking industries have become so anemic that we’ve been forced to look elsewhere for entertainment, and have collectively remembered I.P. Oops—I mean novels! Hooray. It’ll feel great to get back to your roots. You fell in love with novels to begin with, remember? You adored how fiction could transport you from your humdrum life into other worlds. Now it’s your turn—nay, your destiny—to create those worlds. Maybe you’ll come up with something about a guy named Paxton—that’s a pretty cool name—who slowly realizes that, while he’s been breaking stories in a TV writers’ room, the TV industry has been breaking him. Wow. Now get to the nearest coffee shop and pound out eighty thousand words so that a friend-of-a-friend literary agent can tell you to rewrite the whole thing with more gay hockey.

Eldercare

It’s time to move back home. Not because you need to, but because your parents need you to. No matter that they’re actually doing fine, enjoying their retirement, and that you honestly just kind of get in their way. It’s all about how you frame it. In fact, there will be a day when your dad asks you to help move a dresser, and you will do this with admirable overpriced-pilates-derived ease. Your contribution will be called “invaluable” by your pops. Invaluable! That’s even better than money. Which is fitting, because you have none.

Standup Comedian

Yes, it pays less than minimum wage—and that’s if you get paid—but, on the bright side, you’ll get lots of blurry photos of you sweating near a microphone in a mostly empty, windowless club on a Monday afternoon. Don’t forget to post to Instagram and TikTok seven times a day so you can build a following that allows you to book those coveted Tuesday spots.

Critic

Ten years ago, you attended a housewarming party to which another guest arrived, empty-handed, with ketchup on his shirt, and wouldn’t stop talking about Pokémon Go. And now he’s nominated for an Emmy? What a world. The internet deserves to know about this. Your perspective could change the course of history. Well, the history of entertainment. Well, the history of entertainment according to your paywalled Substack. But still! Noble work.

Event Planner

Remember that time you organized a fund-raiser for a friend’s short film because your uncle could get you a deal on unlabelled white wine? And then there was that time you went to an actor’s birthday and felt so awkward, frumpy, and uncool that you hid in the kitchen all night and talked to the caterers about Sternos and water pans? You really learned a lot. And it was you—yes, it was—who basically invented the step-and-repeat banner for your third-grade production of “Annie.” Maybe this has been your calling the whole time. Maybe screenwriting was a detour on the road to event planning. This could really be it for you! You just need an assistant, a certification from the National Association for Catering and Events, and to know someone, anyone, who has something to celebrate.

Screenwriter

Sorry, I didn’t realize you come from money—carry on. ♦