Blog. I have not written in what feels like actual years.

However I didn't expect to write this entry for at least another 7 years. Since I was young, my dad's stance on dating was that I was not allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 23. I'm not even joking. So yesterday I had the uncomfortable discussion with my dad where I said "me and emmanuel have kissed already, and I think I should tell you that now so you don't think I'm hiding it from you", cue a 1 hour discussion with my dad revolved around pregnancy, love my life.

Let me introduce you to emmanuel. I met emmanuel exactly one month ago. If you asked me how it all started, I would probably say infatuation at first sight. I don't even know why. If you follow my blog you probably heard me write about my anticipation for a week long camp called FSY, this is where I met him. At FSY you are split into groups called companies. I remember when I first saw him, which is funny. We were in the cafeteria, with 300 other kids. I was walking past his table, were he was taking a photo with his copmany. We locked eyes and blushed.

I don't love talking highly about myself, but I'll just provide some context. I was the only white girl at this camp. Everyone was filipino. Luckily my tagalog had improved enough to have a small clue on what was going on during the week, but I by no means fully understand. Filipinos love foriegeners, pale skin, and pointy noses. Well suffice to say I check all 3 boxes and get commented on it a lot. It was the wierdest transition for me coming from a country where I was just a normal girl, to here where I fit the beauty standard wack and center. I didn't change at all, the enviroment around me did. Defenitley showed me how fickle beauty is and how it is mostly subjective. You haven't met me, but if we did you'll probably see me smiling and giving you hug even if I didn't know you. I'm a pretty friendly person and I love people. By the fourth day of this camp, people were literally asking me to sign their ID's and asking for photos with me, it was very strange. At the dances, I hardly caught a break after being stolen from guy to guy to dance. But hey, I am by no means complaining bwahahaha.

Ok, so back to si emms. I saw him that first day, and from then forth that was it. We were infatuated. I liked his smile the most, or the fact that he even smiled. Over the next few days, whenever we would be in the same place, we were locking eyes constantly and smiling. On the second day we danced, which is when we officially met. I was a little bummed that he didn't have good english but that didn't stop me. We spent the next few days having many cute small interactions. There was a slight problem though, my friends were not supportive, and his company was not either. Of course most people didn't really care but our friends were trying to keep us apart more than they were trying to get us together. Nobody fully believed I liked him, and that was hard and still is. Because I'm me, and he's him. He's morena (which means he's darker) and in filipino culture, darker = not attractive.

I mean I'm the opposite, love me some chocolate. I think that's a big part of our relationship. Just yesterday, he showed me a text from his auntie, it goes like this. Her: You guys don't match. Him: How can you even say that? Her: She's beautiful, your ugly, she's rich, your poor, work harder if you want to keep her. I think this has been the biggest reality of it all.

On the last day, at the final dance, he asked me to dance, and he confessed to me. That time was the first time I ever told someone I liked them too. Whenever I wasn't stolen by another guy, we danced for the rest of the night. Before I left back home, he gave me a note and we took a photo together. When I got home, I had a friend request from him, along with all my other new friends, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. On one hand I knew I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend, and that if I responded we'd end up talking, and evolve from there, but if I didn't he'd likely be a little heartbroken. Well I'll sum up the past month for you. I messaged him back, we started talking from there, he came to see me that sunday, and since then any time I'm free (which is sundays only), we see eachother. I've been to his church ward, we've met each others siblings, we have matching jeans, matching bracelets, we call almost every night, and I guess things became serious from there. A few days ago we had our first kiss ... it was amazing (also my first kiss ever). The next day he came over (coincidentally when my family was out which made it a whole lot more sus but I promise I did not plan it like that), and we made out on the stairs ;))

Emmnauel is very good to me, he waits for my message every day at 12 midnight when I finish work, he wears his heart on his sleeve and has always loved me, he pays for everything and he's definitely a gentleman. That's not to say there's been plently of hiccups too, he gets jealous and overthinks easily, he somehow has brought it upon himself to friend all of my friends, but my oh my has this whole last month given me so much to think about.

I never tried to hide any of it from my dad, but when I told him what I said above he was quiet for a whole minute. He went over the worst case scenarios with me, but he had already accepted the fact that he is my boyfriend. Emmanuel doesn't know that yet, I haven't talked to him since with work and everything. But as I walked out of my dad's apartment and down the hall, a tear or 2 did escape. Knowing that I'm just a 16 year old now navigating this scary thing called love, where people start disapproving, and someone else's heart is on the line, it really does scare me and I questioned if it is even worth it. 

Call it fate, but playing from the dorm across from my dad's was this: "and up until now I've been content with loneliness ... because none of it was worth the risk. but darling, you are the only exception"

I walked out, head held high with hands in my pockets, because he is my only exception.