Cocoa (Theobroma cacao) is a critical cash crop for millions of smallholder farmers in West Africa, where Cocoa Swollen Shoot Virus Disease (CSSVD) and anthracnose cause devastating yield losses. Automated disease detection from leaf images is essential for early intervention, yet deploying such systems in resource-constrained settings demands models that are small, fast, and require no internet connectivity. Existing edge-deployable plant disease systems rely on end-to-end deep learning without uncertainty quantification, while Bayesian methods for edge devices focus on hardware-level inference architectures rather than agricultural applications. We bridge this gap with TinyBayes, the first framework to combine a closed-form Bayesian classifier with a mobile-grade computer vision pipeline for crop disease detection. Our pipeline uses YOLOv8-Nano (5.9 MB) for lesion localisation, MobileNetV3-Small (3.5 MB) for feature extraction, and the Jacobi prior; a Bayesian method that provides a closed form non-iterative estimators via projection, for the classification. The Jacobi-DMR (Distributed Multinomial Regression) classifier adds only 13.5 KB to the pipeline, bringing the total model size within 9.5 MB, while achieving 78.7% accuracy on the Amini Cocoa Contamination Challenge dataset and enabling end-to-end CPU inference under 150 ms per image. We benchmark against seven classifiers including Random Forest, SVM, Ridge, Lasso, Elastic Net, XGBoost, and Jacobi-GP, and demonstrate that the Jacobi-DMR offers the best trade-off between accuracy, model size, and inference speed for edge deployment. We have proved the asymptotic equivalence and consistency, asymptotic normality and the bias correction of Jacobi-DMR. All data and codes are available here: https://github.com/shouvik-sardar/TinyBayes