How many times do we have to go through this?

Yes, Mortal Kombat has been a massively popular video game franchise since its spawning in 1992. Yes, its over-the-top kills and thrillingly scornful catchphrases make the fighting games incredibly fun. But despite several attempts including 1995's Mortal Kombat, 1998's Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, and the 2021 reboot, also titled Mortal Kombat, not a single good live-action movie has been made from this IP.

Yet here we are again with another ugly, nonsensical mess, this time called Mortal Kombat II.

Mortal Kombat, the last film in this much-flubbed franchise centered on Cole Young (Lewis Tan), a descendant of Sub-Zero (Joe Taslim), who's a fish out of water in the titular fighting tournament world. This time, he's relegated to a tertiary character, so the sequel can pivot to a new fish out of water, Johnny Cage (Karl Urban), a washed-up '90s action star, who'd rather crush a beer than a spine. However, when a malevolent conqueror named Shao Kahn (Martyn Ford) threatens Earthrealm, it's up to Cage and a coterie of super-powered fighters to win a Mortal Kombat tournament to save their world.

Wisely, Warner Bros. led with Cage in their early promos, releasing teasers that showed a cheeky self-awareness of the Western martial arts movie while suggesting Mortal Kombat II would be funnier than its predecessor. Frustratingly, this is another example of good trailer, bad movie. And a big part of why is that Cage feels like he's been wedged in, rather than centered on, for a new perspective.

Mortal Kombat II is a befuddling eyesore with sub-zero emotional depth.

Mortal Kombat (2021) director Simon McQuoid is back with muddy CGI settings, rubbery CGI fighters, and much of his movie's cast reprising their roles. Along with Tan and Taslim, Jessica McNamee is back as Sonya Blade, Josh Lawson as Kano, Mehcad Brooks, as Jax, Ludi Lin as Liu Kang, Tadanobu Asano as Raiden, and Hiroyuki Sanada as Hanzo Hasashi / Scorpion.

Joining the fighter line-up opposite Cage are fan-wielding Kitana (Adeline Rudolph), staff-armed Jade (Tati Gabrielle), the many-fanged Baraka (C.J. Bloomfield), and Ford as brutish conqueror Shao Kahn.

Now, you might think that's too many characters to create meaningful story arcs over the course of a 116-minute runtime. And you'd be right!

Sure, screenwriter Jeremy Slater could have narrowed the focus to Cage's experience to better create a moving narrative, while still folding in the requisite fighting, brawlers, and game allusions. But hey, why not split the story focus between Cage, whose gruff has-been attitude pitches Mortal Kombat II toward a promising Galaxy Quest vibe, and Kitana, whose rebellious warrior princess thread is reminiscent of Guardians of the Galaxy's Gamora as she battled Thanos and her "sister" Nebula. But here, Thanos is Shao Kahn, who murders Kitana's dad in the film's glacially paced opening sequence. And Nebula is Jade, Kitana's bestie/guard since she became Shao Kahn's prisoner as a girl. (If you want more backstory, fret not, there's plenty.)

Cage won't even show up for the first 14 minutes of Mortal Kombat II. In that time, the sequel plunges into the same grim and self-serious atmosphere that made McQuoid's previous Mortal Kombat movie a bore. Sure, the fight scenes are really violent and bloody, befitting the film's R-rating. But the fights feel disconnected from the storytelling. Worse yet, these battles are shot with very little visual logic, meaning some big blows just don't hit.

And yep, there sure are recreations of memorable characters, their costumes, weapons, and catchphrases. But the major important distinction between this rebooted movie franchise and the games are the games were fun.

The most fun Mortal Kombat and Mortal Kombat II can offer is Kano, the only character who resolutely refuses to take things seriously.

Karl Urban shines, but Josh Lawson is Mortal Kombat II's MVP.

As Cage, Urban brings with him an American arrogance that shakes up the seriousness of the Earthrealm battlers. He's snarky, where they're stern, creating a feisty dynamic that borders on amusing. But as Cage's clichéd plot line demands he become a selfless, brave hero, he becomes more grave and less giggle-inducing. Thank the gods for Lawson's Kano.

This crusty criminal and unrepentant asshole died in the last movie, but like other MK fighters, he's resurrected for this sequel. Thankfully, rather than being brought back as another humorless revenant, Kano is as chaotically insulting as ever, slinging barbs with reckless abandon. When he mocks necromancer Quan Chi (Damon Herriman) for his "eyeliner," I howled with laughter. And for a brief moment thought that between Cage and Kano, this movie might actually begin to get fun!

Alas, my hopes were squashed like a skull under a warhammer. Kano and Cage get to be comic relief, while Kitana broods and a new quest kicks off to heist a magical gem from Shao Kahn, that he effectively uses as an immortality cheat code. Again, life-or-death battles and a heist into the heart of a tyrant's castle? This should be exciting and entertaining!

Inexplicably, McQuoid bleeds any tension from these sequences with a mangled visual language that makes fights hard to follow and the quest feel like an afterthought. Suspense cannot build because in every other scene, Slater's script delivers another exposition drop to explain the tournament, the realms, the revenants — on and on! Video games are a visual medium. Movies are a visual medium. Yet much of this movie feels like I got locked into a tedious podcast.

In the end, Mortal Kombat II feels like the wretched compromise of two movie pitches. One is a sequel that closes follows the saga and dolesome tone the last movie. The other is an action-comedy in the vein of Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves. Whether it's Kano reading other fighters to filth, or a sequence where Cage is chased around a village by a rampaging Baraka, there's moments where Mortal Kombat II flirts with not taking this IP deadly seriously. But then McQuoid pivots back to a tone that's less Shogun and more Iron Fist. And as sloppy and artless as this adaptation is, it probably won't matter.

Gamers need to demand more of video game movies.

It's long been a cliché that video game movies are traditionally bad. I was recently disappointed by the Until Dawn movie and moved to consider my own mortality over the vacuousness of The Super Mario Galaxy Movie. And yet, studios keep plugging along with these movies "for the fans."

Don't be fooled. That's a cynical sales pitch that assumes gamers love the source IP so much that studios don't need to bring skilled filmmakers or spend the money on top-notch fight choreography, stunts, or visual effects. They believe the fans will come regardless of what they actually put on screen. And maybe they're right! After all, critics warned that The Super Mario Galaxy Movie was a soulless sequel with more allusions than entertainment. But it's nearing a billion dollars for worldwide box office. So, why should studios change strategy?

Warner Bros hired a commercial director to make his feature directorial film debut with Mortal Kombat, and now he's back with a muddled vision that's an ugly and lifeless slog. But if fans go to the theater or stream this exhaustively on HBO Max, like they presumably did its predecessor, then the bar is in hell, and it won't be raised.

At least we have more Last of Us to look forward to, right?

Mortal Kombat II opens in theaters on May 8.