Just because you’re paranoid, it doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. How many times have I told you that over the years?

Now we have the living proof, courtesy of a brilliant Deep Throat-style expose by The Mail on Sunday’s political editor Glen Owen.

A source inside the security services has disclosed the existence of a secretive government department, set up to peddle far-Left propaganda and ‘control the narrative’.

This shadowy outfit – called RICU (the Research, Information and Communications Unit) – scrambles after every terrorist outrage to convince us it’s nothing to do with Islam/immigration and pin everything on the ‘far-Right’. (Not to be confused with Rico, Cuban-Jamaican trombonist in the Coventry Two-Tone band The Specials).

RICU is the provisional wing of the Funny People, established by Tony Blair under the late spook Sir Charles Blandford Farr, to ‘reassure’ communities that there’s no real Islamist terror threat to Britain and exaggerate the influence of Toytown fascists like Tommy (real name Adolf Hyphen-Hitler) Robinson.

Let me quote Glen Owen’s report: ‘While its original purpose was to monitor Al Qaeda propaganda and to vet the language used by public officials when describing terrorism, its tentacles now stretch far across Whitehall – to the extent that critics say it risks strangling free speech.

‘When the mobs took to the streets of Northern Ireland last week following the stabbing of Stephen Ogilvie, allegedly by Hadi Alodid, a 30-year-old Sudanese asylum seeker, RICU swung into action to advise the police in the province on how to ‘control the narrative’.

A source said: ‘They are working with the Police Service of Northern Ireland’s C3 intelligence unit to identify those posting the online “calls to protest” in Belfast and other areas, as well as giving strategic messages to the police to ensure that the protesters were portrayed as unsympathetic thugs, rather than activists, and effecting behavioural change.

‘The source said that the unit had also been advising the police in Southampton following the horrific murder of Henry Nowak by Vickrum Digwa – who falsely claimed he’d been racially abused and had acted in self-defence – saying: ‘RICU made sure that the liaison team dealing with the family were well briefed.

‘It has also been claimed the unit intervenes to write statements by the families of victims of potentially racially linked incidents to stop them from inflaming tensions further.

‘The source said: “You can see their fingerprints all over the statements released by the families of victims in these volatile situations – they usually have a similar tone.” However, RICU is regarded by many Whitehall insiders to be “out of control”.’

I could go on, but what struck me especially were two or three examples. One involved deliberate attempts to play down the mainly Pakistani rape gangs epidemic.

The second, and again I quote Glen Owen’s source, came in the aftermath of the London Bridge terror attacks, in which eight people were mown down and killed by a van driven by Islamist nutjobs who then embarked on a stabbing orgy: ‘RICU’s undercover operatives handed out flowers in the area, with the aim of perpetuating an atmosphere of “grief” rather than anti-Muslim “anger”. A team in an unmarked van is also understood to have toured the area plastering the walls with posters bearing hashtags such as #Turn-To-Love, #ForLondon and #LoveWillWin.’

The third involved a deranged neo-Nazi thug who drove a van into worshippers at the Finsbury Park mosque in North London –Captain Hook’s old haunt. Journalists at the scene were told by a woman who worked for a shady ‘PR company’ that the perp had been protected from reprisals by the local imam. Seems it never happened. Again, more BS peddled by RICU.

Look, for the record, I have nothing but admiration for the Funnies, who keep us safe day in, day out, even though the odd bomber will always get through. But, call me naïve, I had no idea they were buying flowers for terror scenes or writing press releases for bereaved families.

And I get the good intentions of those who want to prevent Tinder Box Britain from going up in flames after every atrocity.

Still, it fits in with the constant narrative of this Government in particular that everything wrong with the world today is the fault of the ‘far-Right’ – a meaningless, overused slur. They even accused Michael Portillo’s red-trousered Great British Railway Journeys and Jacob Rees-Mogg’s double breasted jim-jams of stirring up racial tensions.

Fellow ‘far-Right’ columnists such as Rod Liddle and Douglas Murray are on the list, too. I’m surprised they haven’t got round to me yet. Or is that me being paranoid? As The Specials once asked: ‘Why do you record my phone calls . . ?

Yet clearly, this proves that those of us who assert we now live in a ‘two-tier’ Britain aren’t ‘far-Right’, just right.

Meanwhile, away from the depressing, incestuous political bunfights, back in the real world there are enough silly stories to keep Gary and me in business for another week or two. Loved the one about Nottingham council banning snail racing after complaints from animal rights activists. To be honest, I didn’t even realise that snail racing was a thing. Must take hours for them to slither across the finish line. Can you get odds on it from Bet Fred?

Elsewhere, in Devon, another animal rights loony has reported a farmer to the RSPCA because his sheepdogs are, er, rounding up sheep. You couldn’t, etc.

And in Maidstone, Kent, the annual World Custard Pie Championships passed off peacefully without a pitch invasion by vegans. It was won by a team called the Old School Ravers, using a secret recipe. Maybe chucking custard pies is the best way to settle the Makerfield by-election.

Gary, it’s over to you...

A ‘luxury concierge’ company has just knocked out ‘six together’ at the World Cup final for a staggering four million dollars.

Our own most famous ticket tout, the late Stan Flashman who used to offer ‘two together for a monkey’ (£500) on FA Cup Final day, would have been envious.

Outside White Hart Lane, he’d do you two five quid standing room only at Spurs for a pony (£25).

Fat Stan ended up buying Barnet FC with the proceeds.

Today, if he’d described himself as a ‘luxury concierge’ company, flogging six together for four mill, he could have bought Spurs and still had change for a kebab on the way home.

According to ‘health experts’ bran flakes are now classed as junk food and should be banned. Eh? Experts? What do they know. And where do they find these people? My maternal grandmother, Nanna Sparke, lived on All Bran. Never did her any harm. Swore by it. Regular as clockwork until the day she died.