I helped my eldest child buy a home when I was financially comfortable. Now my finances have changed, but my younger children still expect the same: VANESSA STOYKOV

Dear Vanessa,

A few years ago, I helped my eldest son with a deposit so he could buy his first home. It felt like the right thing to do at the time - he was settled, responsible, and ready.

Now my younger two children are expecting the same help. The problem is, I simply don't have the money to do it again without putting my own financial security at risk.

They keep saying it's only fair. But I feel like I'm being punished for helping one child when I could.

Have I created a problem I can't fix?

Susan

Vanessa says:

Susan, this is one of the most common and emotionally charged money dilemmas I'm seeing right now.

'Too many parents - especially in their 50s and 60s - are quietly sacrificing their retirement to support adult children, often out of guilt or a desire to be 'fair',' says Vanessa Stoykov (pictured)

You acted in the moment; with the information and capacity you had. That doesn't mean you've locked yourself into repeating that decision at any cost.

But your children aren't really asking about money. They're asking about fairness.

And fairness in families is rarely about things being equal - it's about things being understood.

Right now, your younger children are comparing outcomes. One sibling received help. They didn't. From their perspective, it feels like unequal treatment.

From your perspective, it was a one-off decision based on what you could afford at the time.

Both can be true.

The real issue here isn't whether you should give them money, it's whether you can do so without compromising your own future.

If helping again puts your financial security at risk, the answer is simple: you can't afford it.

And that must be the starting point.

Too many parents - especially in their 50s and 60s - are quietly sacrificing their retirement to support adult children, often out of guilt or a desire to be 'fair'.

But there's nothing fair about putting yourself in a position where you may later need to rely on those same children financially.

If you're unsure where that line is, this is exactly the kind of moment to speak to a financial adviser — someone who can map out what you can realistically afford to give, and what you need to keep for your own future. You can find one here.

This is where a different kind of fairness comes in.

You can acknowledge the imbalance without trying to replicate it.

For example, you might explain that when you helped your eldest, your financial position was different - and that you're no longer able to offer the same support.

You can also talk about how you intend to balance things over time. That might be through your estate, or through other forms of support that don't involve large upfront sums.

But the most important thing is clarity.

Unspoken expectations are what create resentment in families, not the decisions themselves.

If your children understand your reasoning - even if they don't like it - you're far more likely to maintain trust.

There's also a broader reality here that many families are navigating.

Property prices have surged, and the idea of 'helping with a deposit' has shifted from being generous to almost expected.

But expectations don't equal obligations.

You are allowed to draw a line.

You are allowed to prioritise your own financial stability.

And you are allowed to say no, even if it feels uncomfortable.

The key is how you say it. Be honest. Be calm. Be consistent.

And remind yourself that supporting your children doesn't always mean giving them money.

Sometimes, it means modelling good financial boundaries.