Dear Vanessa,
I never thought I would be writing to someone about this, but I'm starting to feel genuinely heartbroken about what our retirement has become.
I'm 70 and my husband is 68. We've been married for more than 40 years. We own our home outright, have retirement savings, investments and no debt. We were never flashy people, but we worked hard, saved carefully and always told ourselves that one day we would finally enjoy life a little.
The problem is my husband now refuses to retire.
He still works full-time and every time I bring up slowing down, travelling or even taking a few months off together, he says we 'can't afford it'. We've seen a financial adviser who told us we are in a perfectly reasonable position, but he still insists we need more money.
Meanwhile, I feel like life is slipping away.
Friends our age are travelling, spending time with grandchildren, taking road trips and enjoying the healthy years they still have left. I don't want luxury yachts or first-class flights. I just want us to finally live a little after decades of sacrifice.
Instead, my husband spends every day glued to the news worrying about inflation, markets and the economy. He talks constantly about people running out of money in retirement and says he'd rather keep working 'just in case'.
A woman tells money educator Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) she is struggling with her husband's financial decisions in retirement
The irony is we spent our whole lives preparing for retirement, but now I feel like he's too scared to have one.
I'm also starting to resent him because this isn't just his decision. It affects both of us. I know work gives him purpose and identity, but I worry he is missing the point of why we saved so hard in the first place.
I'm frightened we will wake up one day too old or too unwell to do the things we dreamed about.
How do I get him to see that retirement is not just a financial decision? It's a life decision too.
Waiting for 'Someday'.
Dear Waiting for 'Someday',
Your letter will resonate with many couples navigating retirement right now.
What you are describing is becoming one of the defining tensions of modern retirement. People spend decades building financial security, only to find it emotionally difficult to enjoy it.
'Friends our age are travelling, spending time with grandchildren, taking road trips and enjoying the healthy years they still have left. I don't want luxury yachts or first-class flights. I just want us to finally live a little after decades of sacrifice,' the woman writes (stock image)
And for many people, the fear is real.
Research from ASIC found almost half of Australians aged between 50 and 65 worry they will run out of money in retirement, even when they have substantial retirement savings. Financial professionals even have a name for it now: 'the fear of running out'.
After decades of saving, people can become psychologically stuck in what experts call accumulation mode. Spending money suddenly feels reckless, even when the numbers suggest they are financially secure.
For many people, work is also tied deeply to identity, routine and purpose. Retirement can feel confronting because it raises a difficult question: who am I without my work?
But your point matters, too.
Good health is not guaranteed forever.
One of the biggest regrets advisers often hear from older clients is that they waited too long to enjoy life while they were still healthy enough to do so.
Many retirees also underspend dramatically because they are so worried about the future, despite research showing many people die with far more retirement savings than they expected.
I suspect this is no longer really a conversation about money. It's a conversation about fear.
Rather than pushing your husband to stop work completely, try talking about what the next chapter could look like together. Could he work fewer days? Take extended leave? Ease gradually into retirement instead of stopping suddenly?
Sometimes people need a bridge between full-time work and retirement to feel emotionally comfortable.
It may also help to revisit your financial adviser together and model different lifestyle scenarios. Seeing what safe spending looks like over 20 or 30 years can make retirement feel less frightening and more real.
Most importantly, remind him gently that retirement was never meant to become a waiting room.
There comes a point where the goal is no longer simply protecting money. It's protecting time, health and the ability to create memories together while you still can.
All the best,
Vanessa
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