You might not think that Rylan Clark and Prince Harry have much in common, but you would be wrong. One is a national figure of fun who made his name as an emotionally incontinent novelty act – and the other one is Rylan.

Both men felt compelled to speak out on critical world affairs this week. No one asked them to, but this is the reality of misplaced self-importance from panting dimbulbs who are determined to matter. And the other one is Rylan, again.

The extravagantly dentured presenter is hailed as a hero for daring to explain to his Eurovision Song Contest television audience exactly why several countries have boycotted the competition this year.

‘Eurovision has faced one of its most challenging years. Five countries have withdrawn following the continued participation of Israel,’ said Rylan, who would have pursed his lips in disapproval, if only he had any.

He meant Israel’s participation in the singing contest, not in the Gaza war nor in Operation Epic Fury with Iran – but his Big Serious Face suggested he didn’t approve of those either.

‘Good on Rylan for mentioning the withdrawals and that is because of Israel,’ tweeted an excited pro-Palestine supporter on social media.

Rylan means well, of course, but the way his fans are carrying on you’d think he was planning to lead them on the usual fashionable but morally lost crusade to support a global intifada, maybe even on the Nakba Day march in London tomorrow.

And at this time of heightened tensions, what we don’t need is Prince Harry beaming in from the orange groves of Montecito to tell everyone in the UK what we all should be doing and thinking. Harry put down his surfboard and Mickey Mouse ears for five minutes this week to pen an article called My Fears For A Divided Kingdom, published in the New Statesman.

The Duke of Sussex shared his fears about the rising tide of anti-Semitism – and anti-Muslim hate – in Britain today.

Yes, I know. A bit ripe coming from someone who once called a colleague a ‘P**i’ and wore a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party.

Harry excuses himself from these ancient sins by writing: ‘I am acutely aware of my own past mistakes – thoughtless actions for which I have apologised, taken responsibility and learned from.’

Seriously? In a statement released 20 years ago he did indeed say it was a ‘very stupid thing to do and I’ve learnt my lesson’. Yet, in his 2023 autobiography, Spare, he blamed Prince William and the then Kate Middleton for encouraging him to wear the outfit, complete with its jaunty swastika armband, in the first place.

He wrote: ‘I phoned Willy and Kate, asked what they thought. Nazi uniform, they said.’ Then they ‘howled’ with laughter when he appeared.

So, is it his fault or not his fault? Some might say that was passing the buck. This is especially nauseating from a prince who is always banging on about accountability, while giving himself a lovely free pass.

Unlike Rylan, the Duke never mentions Israel by name, but his op-ed leaves little room for doubt as to who he thinks the bad guys are. His analysis of the anguish of civilians in the Middle East appears to be aimed directly at Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu and his government.

‘The scale of human suffering continues to grow and demands sustained scrutiny and action from the international community,’ Harry thunders. ‘We have also seen the devastating loss of life among journalists in Gaza, undermining transparency and accountability at a time when both are essential. The onus falls squarely on the state – not an entire people. Such actions have nothing to do with Judaism.’

Oh, he’s a right little Henry Kissinger, isn’t he?

Some might argue that a D grade in Geography at A-level isn’t quite enough intellectual ballast to anchor your self-appointed position as a rising star on the global diplomacy stage. Neither is your ill-advised boast that you once personally killed 25 Taliban members.

But never mind the lack of qualifications or common sense, it is even worse that Harry has published this grandiloquent waffle (‘We cannot ignore a difficult truth, criticism is both legitimate and essential in any democracy’) in the same week as the King’s Speech – and on the same day King Charles visited Jewish community leaders in London’s Golders Green.

If Harry really wants to speak truth to power, he should look at the example set by his father, who manages to get his empathetic message across with grace, humour and the dignity of complete neutrality.

It is not the business of pampered royal personages to tell international governments what they should or should not be doing, especially ones who can barely get their own lives in order.

And is it my imagination or is there not a hint from Prince Harry that Hamas and/or Palestine should be accountable for their actions too, especially now the full atrocities of October 7 have been exposed in the Civil Commission report published this week?

Israel has indeed inflicted a terrible punishment for this bloody strike and the subsequent hostage taking, but it must be seen in the context of that initial barbarous attack. Maybe Prince Harry can explain to us all what exactly is the correct response to an enemy whose genocidal ideology is predicated in wiping your country and your people off the face of the earth.

Is dear old H now hoping for a career in international geopolitics? How one shudders at the thought. I can’t quite see the Duke of Sussex as a future UN Secretary General or Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Mediator, peacemaker, big thinker, joker, smoker, midnight toker? Harry is less Kofi Annan and much more Peter Pan; the simple boy who found his Tinker Bell and never grew up.

As Rylan once said: ‘I know my place and I know my limits.’

If only Harry was as smart.

Hurray for the golden girls!

Thrilling to see Jane Fonda, 88, and Dame Joan Collins, 92, on the red carpet at Cannes – not larking around but promoting their new films.

Jane stars as a retired lawyer in The Correspondent, while Joan plays the Duchess of Windsor in a new biopic called My Duchess.

Both agree you must keep on working, because it is retirement that is the killer. ‘Age is a staircase of growth, not a decline,’ says Jane, but admits she has been given a step up with her hips, knees and shoulder replacements.

Joan is more prosaic. ‘If you slow down, you die, darling,’ she says. Both women have outlived three husbands each – Joan is currently with her fifth – a triumph in itself. Brava, girls.

As ever, Meghan’s the grift that keeps on grifting

While Prince Harry tends to weighty matters of global importance, his wife has been busy making a new advert to promote her lifestyle brand. It’s fabulous, of course. I can never get enough of Meg on the make.

‘Welcome to the world of As Ever,’ is the syrupy introduction, as the Duchess of Sussex seductively eats a single strawberry – I’m afraid so – and smiles indulgently at her jars of jam.

Have you ever seen a saucer-eyed puppy drooling over an unreachable bag of chews? That is the expression she is going for.

There are lots of outfit changes and even more dreamy smirks as the ‘most trolled person in the world’ wanders around her sunlit kitchen in a state of inexplicable bliss.

She is either barefoot in a long white dress or out in the garden filling a trug with jam-ready fruits – how darling.

The vibe is peace in a chaotic world, beauty in small things, cherish the moment, lotus-eater by day, herb tea-drinker by night, flower sprinkler by choice, here’s an orange, isn’t life dandy, molto profondo.

She opens a cupboard filled with about 200 jars of jam – that’s where they all are! – while subtly propounding the notion that these raspberry and strawberry elixirs are made from her own garden fruits and boiled up in her own kitchen.

It’s no secret that the jams are actually made thousands of miles away in an Illinois factory – why continue with the pretence? ‘She’s the grift that keeps on grifting,’ wrote one disgruntled online commentator.

The video ends with our favourite jampreneur trying to act all dreamy and philosophical as she moves an As Ever bookmark from the top of the page to the side. Is there nothing this woman cannot do?

Act, for a start. And nobody mention jam tongs.

After countless true-crime specials, eight-part documentaries and several chin-stroking television investigations, it has finally happened. There is to be a fictional drama depicting the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Next Wednesday Channel 5 will broadcast Under Suspicion: Kate McCann, starring Laura Bayston as the mother searching for her child. The drama focuses on Mrs McCann’s interrogation by Portuguese police during the period that she was considered a suspect in her daughter’s disappearance. The majority of these programmes have been broadcast against the wishes of the McCann family. They must be appalled at the idea of their suffering now being made into a dramatic entertainment.

And what will it achieve? Very little, except to stoke more public titillation two decades after the three-year-old vanished in Praia da Luz, Portugal.

Bayston said she thought about Madeleine ‘every day’ during filming – but still finds it hard to imagine the pain her mother is feeling. Does she have the wit to also imagine how this drama can only add to that suffering? Obviously not.

Imperious Kemi is ready to rule 

Kemi Badenoch put in another absolutely dazzling performance in the House of Commons this week. Her response to the King’s Speech on Wednesday was simply tremendous.

She’s got poise, she’s got wit, she’s got perfect timing, she’s got natural authority and she’s funny, too. Extra points for not being afraid to tell Wes Streeting to ‘just do your job’ or tick him off when he made his displeasure with her clear. ‘There’s no point him giving me dirty looks. We all know what he’s been up to. We all know. We all know,’ she said to roars.

Miss Badenoch also has political vision and a belief in something bigger than herself and her own ambitions.

How I wish she was in charge of government right now, instead of the shambles on the opposite benches. Her moment in power cannot come too soon.