Anyone who watched the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday night was treated to a nightmare vision of what lies in store for us if Labour succeeds in dragging us back into the EU. 

Nul points and the cold shoulder. 

As voting got underway, the UK entry – who for some reason calls himself Look Mum No Computer – was seen sitting isolated and alone backstage after his excruciating performance.

Look Mum – real name Sam Bartle – would have been better off staying at home.

He came last and, until the Danes took pity on him, was snubbed by the rest of the 35 countries taking part.

I was reminded of the 2016 European Council meeting in Brussels, the first after the Leave vote, when our 27 EU ‘partners’ – we were still members at the time – decided to humiliate Theresa May by excluding her from the post-summit dinner.

While they tucked in to a lavish lobster supper, Mother Theresa was sent off to bed with a stale baguette and a bag of frites mayonnaise.

That was her reward for trying to appease the Eurocrats and water down Brexit so weakly that it was essentially negated.

Similarly, Look Mum sang half his song in German (the clue’s in the title Eins, Zwei, Drei) in an attempt to influence the judges and they still threw it back in his face. It was the third time the UK has come rock bottom since 2020, coincidentally the year we finally left the EU.

But the low-rent Labour leadership candidates who are convinced that if only we applied to rejoin we would be welcomed back with open arms and all our dreams would come true are as deluded as whoever chose Eins, Zwei, Drei as our Eurovision entry.

Even when we were members, it wasn’t a match made in Heaven. Laws were passed primarily to suit the German/France axis and because we wisely stayed out of the euro (credit to Gordon Brown) and didn’t sign up to the Schengen open borders racket, we were always treated as disputatious, semi-detached outsiders.

They wanted our money, our fish, our military muscle (as was) and access to our lucrative market for their goods. But we didn’t reap the reciprocal economic benefits in return. They always sold more to us than we sold to them.

In 2019, the year before we left, our trade deficit with the EU was £72billion. Meanwhile, our freedom to trade freely with the rest of the world was constrained by Brussels, not decided by democratically-elected MPs at Westminster.

But despite what condescending Remainers maintain, the Leave vote wasn’t primarily about money, it was about national sovereignty – the right to make our own laws and, especially, control our borders.

The reason so many people are disillusioned and Rejoiners claim Brexit has failed is because the political class have spent the past ten years trying to either derail or reverse it.

Boris gave it a shot briefly before Covid sent the world into a tailspin and one of the great successes was our freedom to develop our own world-leading vaccine – something Brussels tried to sabotage, don’t forget.

But he then blew it by flooding the country with three million immigrants in the blink of an eye, despite pledging to control the borders. And those Tories who had never forgiven Boris for fronting the Leave campaign went bonkers and embarked on an orgy of infighting and assassination which inevitably ended in self-destruction.

Michael Gove, one of the leading Brexiteers, has detailed in the Daily Mail the reasons we not only voted Leave but the horrors which lie ahead should we rejoin.

So where do the likes of Wes Streeting (did he mention his grandad knew the Kray twins?) and Look Mum No Principles Burnham (until he decided to run for PM in a Brexit constituency) get the impression that Brussels is desperate to roll out the red carpet for our triumphant return to the bloc? 

The mobsters who run the EU’s protection racket could teach Ron and Reg a thing or two about negotiations. They’d extract far more than a pound of flesh before they’d even consider letting us back in.

Nice little fishing industry you’ve got there. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to it. 

Then again, what’s in it for them? For a start, they worry that if Nigel Farage does become PM in a couple of years, the Brexit war would kick off all over again.

So why bother re-admitting the UK? Starmer is already dragging us deeper and deeper into the EU’s maw. He’s given away our fishing waters as a basis for negotiation as part of his ‘reset’. He’s bunged France the thick end of £700million to stop the boats – which even a top French border official now admits isn’t working.

Surkeir is arbitrarily allowing tens of thousands of ‘youths’ up to 30 years old to come here to live and work. And he’s using something called the ‘Henry VIII’ rules to lock us into EU laws without having to get the approval of either MPs or the electorate.

The EU want to get their hands on our arms industry and military expertise, but they are demanding we pay a fat admission fee for the privilege of accessing their procurement system.

This time there’d be no opt-outs or rebates and we’d be forced to join the euro and the Schengen open borders scheme (not that anyone would notice).

Back in the EU we would be constantly out-voted by the majority of the other 27 members and pretty soon, like Look Mum, would be sitting alone and isolated.

Anyway, enough EU already. The only reason Labour's hardline Remainers are reigniting the Rejoin campaign and pretending that our future belongs in Europe is that, short of hiking taxes again and buying bigger TVs for layabouts, they haven't got a clue what to 

Instead, they have plunged headlong into a leadership contest set to dominate the summer.

Daft Deputy PM David Lammy even tried to claim on LBC Radio that there was no contest. So did Lisa Nandy on Sky with Trevor Phillips, who tried and failed to keep a straight face as he pointed out to her that she’d been out campaigning in a by-election which has only been called because Andy Burnham wants to get a Westminster seat so he can take part in a contest to become Prime Minister.

Lammy also said he would be working for a Labour victory in Makerfield. But there was already a Labour MP in Makerfield until he resigned to make way for Burnham.

As I wrote in the immediate aftermath of the local elections, Reform sweeps the board in the Brexit-heavy Red Wall, and Labour draws the conclusion that it’s a vote for rejoining the EU.

Reform takes Essex and the eastern seaboard and the Tories win back Westminster and Wandsworth, and yet Labour claims that what voters really want is the ‘King of the North’, who wasn’t on the ballot at the last general election, to be anointed as our next Prime Minister.

How stupid do they think we are? When are they going to stop insulting our intelligence? Their blinkered arrogance and sense of entitlement is breathtaking.

I’ve been arguing since February that we need a general election, especially if Burnham is parachuted into power with a new hard-Left agenda, huge taxes et al. But we’re not going to get one, unless the bond markets pull the plug.

What Labour doesn’t seem to grasp – or deliberately cares to ignore – is that locals weren’t just a rejection of Never Here Keir, they were a repudiation of this entire, rotten Labour government, which needs to be swept away before it can do any more damage.

My fear is that they may get away with it, even though Makerfield is Brexit country and Reform won every single council seat there in the local elections. (Which is why Burnham is flip-flopping cynically on Europe. Ignore him, he’s lying.)

The danger is that a Left-wing ‘Stop Farage’ coalition is constructed to bolster Burnham’s alleged local popularity. The Greens are already considering standing down, even though they recently won the nearby Gorton and Denton by-election. Local Lib Dems will probably vote tactically for Burnham, if it means stopping Reform and getting rid of Starmer.

It’s probably too much to ask the Tories to stand aside or plead with my old friend Rupert Lowe, the former Reform MP who fell out with Farage spectacularly, not to field a candidate from his independent Restore party.

But the alternative is the coronation of a Prime Minister with a far-Left agenda the country has never had the opportunity to scrutinise or vote for.

What we’re witnessing is an attempted anti-democratic palace coup. Only the voters of Makerfield can stop it.

As for Look Mum No Principles Burnham, he deserves to suffer the same fate as our embarrassing Eurovision entrant.

Nul points.