Dear Vanessa,
My mum is in the final stage of her life and receiving palliative care. It's a deeply emotional time, and I'm trying to be present and keep her comfortable in these last days.
But my brother has created a situation that's making this much harder.
He's insisting Mum's remaining money be transferred into his account before she dies. He says it will be 'more practical', make things easier and avoid probate.
The issue is that Mum is far too unwell to do this herself. She's heavily medicated, drifting in and out of awareness, and unable to make clear, informed decisions - let alone manage banking instructions.
She also already has a will that sets out how she wants her estate handled, which makes this feel unnecessary.
Even so, he keeps pushing. He wants us to 'sort it out quickly' and suggests we're creating problems by not acting.
I'm very uncomfortable with this. It feels rushed and inappropriate, and not respectful of Mum's condition. At the same time, I don't want conflict during what should be a peaceful time for her.
A woman tells Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) she is worried about her brother's motives when it comes to their dying mother's finances
I'm also worried that refusing will create a bigger rift between us later.
Am I overreacting, or should I be concerned?
Feeling Uneasy.
Vanessa says:
You're not overreacting. Your instinct to pause is exactly right.
The key point is that your mother already has a will. It exists to record her wishes, and it should be followed - especially now that she can't realistically revisit or change those decisions.
When someone is as unwell and medicated as your mother is, and can't make or carry out clear financial decisions, that's a firm boundary. Money can't be moved simply because it seems convenient.
What your brother is proposing isn't a harmless shortcut. Moving her money into his personal account now raises serious legal and ethical risks, regardless of intent.
Two issues matter most.
'What your brother is proposing isn't a harmless shortcut. Moving her money into his personal account now raises serious legal and ethical risks, regardless of intent,' Vanessa says. (Stock image)
First, capacity. If your mother can't understand and authorise a transaction, she can't legally make it. Any attempt to move her money in these circumstances could be challenged later - and often is.
Second, shifting money outside the estate may conflict with her will. Probate isn't just red tape; it's the process that helps ensure her wishes are carried out properly. Trying to bypass it can create confusion, disputes, and lasting damage within families.
The urgency your brother is creating is also a red flag. End-of-life care is not the time for rushed financial decisions or informal workarounds.
It's okay to say no.
You can calmly and firmly say that no changes will be made, given your mother's condition and the fact she has already documented her wishes.
If there are genuine concerns about handling the estate, discuss them with a qualified professional, not in a pressured, emotional moment.
Independent advice from someone experienced in estate administration can help. These situations are common, and the right guidance can prevent misunderstandings and conflict later.
For now, trust your instincts. They're protecting your mother's wishes and helping ensure things are handled fairly.
All the best,
Vanessa
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