More Ground Rules for Retirement

Author: Jann Freed

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a local event called Poetry Palooza. I participated in a workshop with Jewel Rodgers, the State Poet of Nebraska. Her workshop, “Big Mood,” was an interactive lab to help writers master the art of vocal dynamics, body language, and tone of voice. The goal was to bridge the gap between what we write and what the audience feels.

While I am not specifically a poet, I am a speaker and writer and can benefit from learning how to use body language and tone of voice to make a strong positive impression. In fact, I recommend seeking out an event like Poetry Palooza, especially if it is outside your comfort zone. We can all benefit from learning how to express ourselves more effectively--to show emotions appropriately.

When Rodgers started the workshop, she clearly stated her ground rules. As a former professor and now a speaker and workshop facilitator, I am familiar with ground rules. The goal is to make sure the audience is clear about the expectations. Some common ground rules include:

• Limit your responses to allow others to speak.
• Everyone is encouraged to participate.
• Don’t dominate the discussion.
• Turn off cell-phones.

Similarly, if you have experience with Alcoholics Anonymous (or Al-Anon) meetings, you know that the ground rules are consistent and read at every meeting:

• No cross-talk. Only listen.
• No advice. Share experience, but allow others to find their own solutions.
• No discussion of religion or politics.
• Absolute confidentiality.

New Ground Rules

The tone of ground rules tends to be rather negative, often explaining what not to say or do. When Rodgers was sharing her ground rules, I was struck by how positive they were and how valuable they could be for having a happy retirement. She had five ground rules that she repeated to emphasize the importance:

• Be confident.
• Don’t be afraid of showing emotions.
• Don’t be afraid of trying again.
• Don’t be afraid to say NO.
• Don’t be afraid to make time to do nothing.

Be confident. When we retire, most of us lose our identity. Without our identity, we can also lose our confidence as we are entering a new stage of life and we are not sure how it is going to go. If we are what we do and we don’t do it anymore, then who are we? But with decades of life experience, we can still be confident. We don’t have to have all the answers. But we can trust that we have accrued wisdom over our years and that we have reasons to be confident.

Showing emotions. Vulnerability is a strength. When you are willing to be vulnerable and to show emotions, people find you more approachable and compassionate. If you recently retired, you may still be in workplace mode, where we are discouraged from showing emotions. But in these uncertain times, when layoffs are abundant, health can be uncertain, the economy is unstable, people need to know you care. When loneliness is at an all-time high, connection is protection. People need to feel a sense of belonging and community.

Try again. In retirement, it helps to explore, discover, and try new things to determine how you want to spend your time and add structure to your life. Not everything is going to work out. You are going to try some things that you want to quit. Since time is precious, if you don’t like the book, stop reading it. If you don’t like the movie or Netflix series, stop watching it. If you volunteer and you don’t find it satisfying, you can stop. And if you aren’t good at it, try again. If you enjoy the activity, practice is important. I’ve been taking piano lessons for the past 15 years. Since I was a bad church organist in high school, I was not a beginner. But I enjoy it and I certainly have improved.

Saying No is allowed. If you don’t want to do something, have the confidence to politely say No. What is nice about retirement is the fact that you have agency over how you spend your time and with whom. When you say No, you are allowing time for other opportunities to emerge. This is exciting and can be rewarding.

Make time to do nothing. For high achieving people who have lived by to-do lists, goals, and objectives (Type A), doing nothing can feel like a waste of time. But in retirement, learning to quiet the mind and open the heart is essential. We can’t hear our inner wisdom if you don’t find time for stillness. While I enjoy listening and learning from podcasts, I intentionally try to get most of my10,000 daily steps without earbuds. I want to hear the birds, listen to the wind blow, and pay attention to what is going on around me.

Social media loves to remind us what is appropriate for our age. Reels on Facebook and Instagram will show us what we should not wear after age 60 or what hairstyles are best at older ages. I found the ground rules shared by Rodgers to be inspiring. Participants of all ages reflected confidence, emotions, and several were asked to “try again.” And if someone did not want to share their poem, their “No” was respected.

Many people feel a bit lost when they retire. The ground rules above can help you set positive expectations, which can help whenever you need a roadmap.

What other ground rules would you add for a happy retirement?