Rear view of a father with his son flexing muscles outdoors
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Many of us learn our most powerful leadership lessons from our first leaders: Our parents.
As a kid, my dad helped me (unwillingly) learn to not care what other people think. He always loved embarrassing us in public (often by singing loudly in a parking lot). My dad also wrote me a six page letter when I went off to college. In it, he shared how proud he was of me, and gave me all sorts of advice for life: Honor yourself and your integrity, work hard and honestly at whatever you do, surround yourself with good people and friends, never lose sight of who you are and the generations who came before you, and enjoy every single second of life. My dad was one of my earliest models of empathetic leadership, even with a feisty personality to match my own, and I continue to carry these lessons with me today.
Harnessing great dad lessons, plus some expert opinions, here are five ways you can show up as an empathetic leader and father.
Dr. Diane Hamilton writes in a Forbes article that workplace conflict rarely starts with an argument, and instead, it begins “with the way people interpret information, form opinions, and make assumptions about others.”
The first step toward eliminating these biases is by focusing on information-gathering.
Justin Jones-Fosu, a keynote speaker, meaningful work researcher, past guest on The Empathy Edge podcast, and author of the newly-released book Stop Chasing, Start Creating: A Timeless Fable on Mindset, Resilience, and Meaningful Work, explains how he did this in an email interview. After his parents divorced, Jones-Fosu grew up without a present father, as his dad relocated abroad. For decades, he believed his father didn’t care for him and didn’t love him. However, after traveling to Ghana and hearing his father’s story, he discovered a whole new side to the story, including custody battles and personal trauma. “Choosing to hear his story first was how I showed him empathy," Jones-Fosu explains. This helped Jones-Fosu empathize and further understand his father’s point of view, even if he did not agree with his decisions.
Jones-Fosu further explained that one of the simplest ways to meet someone’s desire to be seen is by simply being present. “As leaders and fathers we struggle with that, because we think we have to have the solution to every problem,” Jones-Fosu expands. He also shares a specific strategy that he leverages with his own team before making any assumptions, which he calls the “heard-helped-or-hugged” technique.
"I'll ask people, 'Do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?' Sometimes they just need to get something off their chest. Sometimes they want advice. And sometimes they need you to say, 'I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I'm here for you.' Naming that up front lets you give people the kind of empathy they actually need," Jones-Fosu explains.
My own version of this across countless leadership talks and workshops is, “Do you need me to see it, solve it, or simply support you?”
Psychologist Guy Winch writes in his new book, Mind Over Grind, that overworking, or tying too much of your identity to work, can increase conflict at home as your work and family demands collide. Jones-Fosu expands on this, explaining, “We give our best energy to our audiences, our clients, our senior leadership, and then our families get whatever's left.”
In my research for The Empathy Dilemma, I emphasize the importance of self-care to prevent overwork and burnout (both are things that can lead to being less present with others). This includes using your paid time off (PTO), setting hard boundaries around time at home, and embracing your non-work interests. Jones-Fosu shares how he puts this into practice with his children, "Stephen Covey challenged us to put the big rocks in first. So I sit my kids down and ask, 'What do you want to accomplish this year? What did we used to do that you'd love to bring back? What's something new you want to try?' When I put them in first, everything else fits around them instead of the other way around."
Employees and our children feel comfortable putting their trust in leaders who hold themselves accountable. Admitting where you were wrong, unsure, or not as good at something as your team (or children) bolsters respect and trust. It shows you can push ego aside and seek to learn from others.
Jones-Fosu shares a similar sentiment, saying that while it’s tempting to present ourselves as having it all together, when we model learning through our failures, it creates a deeper connection to our coworkers and family. He adds, “There’s an even deeper level of vulnerability: sharing a struggle you haven't solved yet. Saying 'I'm genuinely struggling with how to approach this, and I'd love your perspective,' tells the other person you trust their judgment.”
In The Empathy Dilemma, I write that “Joy at work is directly tied to feelings of purpose, accomplishment, and connection. That domino effect boosts engagement and, ultimately, performance.” One way to do that is to celebrate wins as a team, both big and small. The same applies to parenting. Jones-Fosu shares one way he does this with his children when traveling for work, “I bought postcards and mailed one to each of my kids. It's a tiny thing, but they're going to walk to the mailbox and find out their dad was thinking about them.”
Jones-Fosu also adds that honoring the small and unseen acts can look different depending on the person, and the first step is to ask how they want to feel appreciated and valued. “Is it a gift card, more time off, a handwritten note? Then do the second part, which most of us skip: follow through and give them what they told you. It costs nothing but your time and maybe a pen and paper.
In these five pieces of advice, you may notice a common thread. People, whether they report to you or call you dad, don’t want to feel like they are being “fixed” or “managed.” They want to feel seen. That was the gift my father gave me in six handwritten pages I still keep close, even thought he’s gone now, and it is the same gift we can offer to anyone that we may be leading or mentoring.
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