Dejected woman walking with arrows in back
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A statement by Dr. Keean Menard recently circulated across social media, resonating with thousands of people who immediately recognized themselves in it. “As a therapist, I've learned that dysfunctional families often identify the healthiest person as the problem because healthy people stop participating in unhealthy rules." At first glance, the idea seems backwards. Why would the healthiest person become the problem? Yet psychologists, family systems theorists, and organizational researchers have long observed a similar pattern.
Whether in families, workplaces, friendships, or communities, systems often prioritize stability over change, even when change would be healthier. When one person begins setting boundaries, questioning norms, or refusing to participate in dysfunctional behavior, the system frequently responds with resistance. According to trauma therapist Annie Wright, scapegoating can become self-reinforcing, with systems pointing to the very symptoms they helped create as evidence that one person is the problem.
Family systems theory suggests families operate as interconnected systems. Each member plays a role, and those roles often become deeply entrenched over time. When one person begins changing, the entire system is affected. Experts in the field often refer to the identified patient -- the person viewed as the source of the family's problems. Coincidentally, family systems theory also suggests that the identified patient may actually be the one who identifies and attempts to address dysfunction that exists throughout the system.
The child who starts therapy may be accused of being dramatic. The adult who sets boundaries may be called selfish. The family member who refuses to engage in conflict may be labeled distant or family members may say they think “they are better” than the rest of the family. Ironically, the very behaviors associated with healthier functioning can be interpreted as threats because they disrupt familiar patterns.
This phenomenon is not limited to families. Many organizations develop unofficial rules that employees are expected to follow. Answer emails at all hours, never say no, accept excessive workloads, and prioritize work over personal well-being. Employees who challenge these expectations often encounter resistance.
A worker who establishes boundaries may be viewed as difficult. Someone who questions burnout culture may be perceived as less committed. An employee who advocates for healthier norms may be seen as disruptive. The issue is not always the behavior itself. The issue is that the behavior forces others to reconsider their own participation in the system.
Friendships are no different. The friend who always listens but never asks for support. The friend who always pays. The friend who always initiates plans. These roles can become so normalized that any attempt to change them creates tension. When people stop over functioning in relationships, others sometimes interpret the change as rejection rather than growth.
Family systems theorists use the concept of status quo bias or homeostasis to explain why systems often resist change and try to return to familiar patterns. Systems naturally seek equilibrium and frequently prioritize predictability over growth. Family therapist Murray Bowen viewed families and other systems as emotional units that naturally resist changes that threaten existing patterns, even when those patterns are unhealthy.
When one person changes, everyone else must adapt. That adaptation can be uncomfortable. Rather than examining the system, people often focus on the individual creating the disruption. The result is a paradox. The person trying to create healthier dynamics becomes identified as the source of the problem.
Resistance does not automatically mean you are making the right decision. However, resistance alone is not evidence that you are making the wrong one, either. Sometimes conflict emerges because healthy change challenges unhealthy norms.
The person disrupting dysfunction may appear problematic not because they are causing harm, but because they are exposing patterns others would prefer to leave untouched. According to experts, it is important to distinguish between the two. Especially for people who have spent years wondering whether setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or prioritizing their well-being somehow makes them the problem.
Sometimes being labeled "the problem" is not evidence that something is wrong with you. Sometimes it is evidence that you have stopped aiding and abiding an unhealthy system maintain itself.
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