On Mother’s Day, Balance Paying Tribute To Your Mom And Yourself

That’s what I am faced with this year since my mom died last year. You may feel like you want to do something that offers the right balance of paying tribute to your mom, processing of the feelings associated with her loss, keeping you appropriately distracted and taking care of yourself. But that is seemingly a lot to balance.

It does make sense to honor her memory since your mother is responsible for so much of who you are beyond simply bringing you into this world. Plus, as I covered in Forbes previously, others may not be familiar with all that she offered. For example, I’ve always wanted her and others to realize that the grit that she displayed in dealing with the discrimination that she faced as an Asian American and as a woman was not in vain. She has served as a great role model for me and could for others.

At the same time, you undoubtedly still have things that you’ll have to keep processing, no matter how long ago her death was. Life is inherently different without her. As you experience more and more of life each day without her around, you won’t be able to tell or show her such things in the same way. Furthermore, there are likely things that you didn’t get a chance to tell or show her while she was alive.

Plus, people and relationships can be very complex. Even when you very much loved your mom—which I overwhelmingly did—you probably didn’t always see eye-to-eye on everything because you are basically different human beings. And there were times when see saw what I didn’t, like the fact that I should’ve ended a relationship earlier than I ended up doing.

But spending the whole day processing without any breaks can be a bit tiring. It can be like going to spin class and having the instructor say, “OK. For the next 15 hours, pedal as fast as you can.” Taking breaks and keeping yourself appropriately distracted can allow new and fresh perspectives about your mom and your feelings to emerge.

Such distraction can be part of the bigger goal of taking care of yourself. Don’t neglect your own well-being, regardless of how much you want this day to be about your mother. That’s what mothers typically want their kids to do, right? I always knew that my mom deep down wanted me to get what I wanted, even though we would disagree at times as to what specifically that was.

10 Things To Do On Mother’s Day

So what specifically can you do on Mother’s Day if your mother is gone, besides have a conversation with an alpaca by yourself? Well, you certainly can partake in any of the Mother’s Day events going on around you—like having a spa day for yourself—as long as you are cool with seeing others enjoy the day with their mothers. Once you become an adult, no one can tell you that you need to have your mother with you to do anything.

But if you do want to stay away from the typical Mother’s-Day-with-mothers activities, here are 10 possibilities for May 10, which happens to be Mother’s Day this year:

1. Write a letter to your mom: This could be the right day to write. Having to put something concrete down in writing (or typing) can help you better understand and process what you are feeling. It also can result in a concrete tribute to your mom that can then be shared with others if you’d like.
2. Create a tribute for your mom: But a letter is not the only possible creative tribute. Get creative with possibilities. Paint a picture. Film a video. Build that sculpture with pistachio shells. Spin some yarns.
3. Take a fitness class or play a sport: Yes, there are lots of possibilities spinning in my head, in part because I just did spinning and boxing. No, not simultaneously, which would have been awkward for the person in the stationary bicycle next to me. Rather I am talking two separate classes back-to-back. Don’t underestimate how much getting your body moving and blood circulating can do for your mood and thinking. You could even make new friends along the way, because nothing leads to friendship better than a right hook, right?
4. Listen to your mom’s favorite music or watch her favorite movie: When I was sitting besides my mom on her last day in the intensive care unit in the hospital, I played on my smartphone Neil Sedaka’s “Laughter in the Rain,” one of her favorite songs. Maybe my mom heard it that day. Maybe she didn’t. But I certainly hear and see memories of her whenever this song is played.
5. Go to your mom’s favorite spot: Then, there’s location, location, location as the saying goes. Going to where she liked to go can bring back memories, too. The going part can help you get some physical activity along the way, assuming that her favorite spot was not somewhere very nearby, like the bathroom.
6. Cook or eat your mom’s favorite food: Speaking of favorite spots, there’s a nice sushi place not too far from where my mom lived. She used to say, “If you happen to want to get food from there, let me know. But only if you want to do so.” Yeah, I knew exactly what she really meant by that and will remember to make a special trip there sometime again in memory of her.
7. Tell your friends about your mom: In the movie Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, Dr. McCoy told Captain Kirk about Spock, "He’s not really dead, as long as we remember him." Many of my friends didn’t get to see first hand, for example, how earlier in my life my mom served as my mentor, teacher, sports coach, fan and friend when no else really would. But I intend to tell others about this. In fact, I think I just did.
8. Take care of someone or something that your mom took care of when she was alive: This can be any of the three “Ps”: a person, a passion or a possession. Maybe there’s a family member who needs your help more now that your mother is gone. Maybe there’s a garden that needs tending. Maybe there’s a house that needs the right caretaking or finding the right realtor to sell it. By caretaking what she used to take care of, you are being a caretaker for her legacy.
9. Volunteer for or donate to a good cause: Speaking of legacy—her legacy and yours—why not contribute to an important cause that your mother either was already contributing to or would have liked? Nothing can replace the feel-good vibes of knowing that you truly made a positive impact on the world.
10. Connect with others who have lost their moms: Remember, you are not alone. Although every mom and mom-child relationship is different, there are commonalities. So reach out to others who have lost their mothers and connect with them.

This list of 10 is certainly far from an exhaustive list. It’s open for additions. And don’t be afraid to be open about searching for something to do on Mother’s Day. Ask others for suggestions and help. And ask yourself what you’d really like to do. After all, while your mother may not be physically present anymore, there will always be some of your mother’s spirit in you. Happy Mother’s Day.