Here's a photo of the author, Bruce Y. Lee (L), with his mother (C) and brother (R). (Photo: Courtesy of Bruce Y. Lee)
Bruce Y. Lee
There’s certainly no shortage of things to do with your mother present on Mother’s Day—including giving her presents. Many businesses have certainly made sure of that, offering all kinds of “deals” like meal specials, spa days, outdoor adventures and sporting events. You could even go to a Mother’s Day alpaca meet and greet or soap making workshop as long as your wallet is present too. But what do you do on this day each year when your mother is gone?
That’s what I am faced with this year since my mom died last year. You may feel like you want to do something that offers the right balance of paying tribute to your mom, processing of the feelings associated with her loss, keeping you appropriately distracted and taking care of yourself. But that is seemingly a lot to balance.
It does make sense to honor her memory since your mother is responsible for so much of who you are beyond simply bringing you into this world. Plus, as I covered in Forbes previously, others may not be familiar with all that she offered. For example, I’ve always wanted her and others to realize that the grit that she displayed in dealing with the discrimination that she faced as an Asian American and as a woman was not in vain. She has served as a great role model for me and could for others.
At the same time, you undoubtedly still have things that you’ll have to keep processing, no matter how long ago her death was. Life is inherently different without her. As you experience more and more of life each day without her around, you won’t be able to tell or show her such things in the same way. Furthermore, there are likely things that you didn’t get a chance to tell or show her while she was alive.
Plus, people and relationships can be very complex. Even when you very much loved your mom—which I overwhelmingly did—you probably didn’t always see eye-to-eye on everything because you are basically different human beings. And there were times when see saw what I didn’t, like the fact that I should’ve ended a relationship earlier than I ended up doing.
But spending the whole day processing without any breaks can be a bit tiring. It can be like going to spin class and having the instructor say, “OK. For the next 15 hours, pedal as fast as you can.” Taking breaks and keeping yourself appropriately distracted can allow new and fresh perspectives about your mom and your feelings to emerge.
Such distraction can be part of the bigger goal of taking care of yourself. Don’t neglect your own well-being, regardless of how much you want this day to be about your mother. That’s what mothers typically want their kids to do, right? I always knew that my mom deep down wanted me to get what I wanted, even though we would disagree at times as to what specifically that was.
So what specifically can you do on Mother’s Day if your mother is gone, besides have a conversation with an alpaca by yourself? Well, you certainly can partake in any of the Mother’s Day events going on around you—like having a spa day for yourself—as long as you are cool with seeing others enjoy the day with their mothers. Once you become an adult, no one can tell you that you need to have your mother with you to do anything.
But if you do want to stay away from the typical Mother’s-Day-with-mothers activities, here are 10 possibilities for May 10, which happens to be Mother’s Day this year:
This list of 10 is certainly far from an exhaustive list. It’s open for additions. And don’t be afraid to be open about searching for something to do on Mother’s Day. Ask others for suggestions and help. And ask yourself what you’d really like to do. After all, while your mother may not be physically present anymore, there will always be some of your mother’s spirit in you. Happy Mother’s Day.
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